Be happy for this moment. This moment is your life.

Robert Hastings wrote….

Tucked away in our subconscious minds is an idyllic vision in which we see ourselves on a long journey that spans an entire continent. We're traveling by train and, from the windows, we watch the passing scenes of cars on nearby highways, of children waving at crossings, of cattle grazing in distant pastures, of smoke pouring from power plants, of row upon row upon row of cotton and corn and wheat, of flatlands and valleys, of city skylines and village halls.

But uppermost in our conscious minds is our final destination--for at a certain hour and on a given day, our train will finally pull into the Station with bells ringing, flags waving, and bands playing. And once that day comes, so many wonderful dreams will come true. So restlessly, we pace the aisles and count the miles, peering ahead, waiting, waiting, waiting to get to the Station.

"Yes, when we reach the Station, that will be it!" we promise ourselves. When we're eighteen. . . twenty-one…get that fabulous job…meet Mr. Right…start our family. . . put the last kid through college. . . buy that 450SL Mercedes-Benz.  That day, that moment, will mark the beginning of our own personal “happily ever after.”

Sooner or later, however, we must realize there is no destination, no Station in this life, no one earthly place to arrive at once and for all. The journey is the joy. The Station is an illusion--it constantly outdistances us. Yesterday's a memory, tomorrow's a dream. Yesterday belongs to history, tomorrow belongs to God.  Yesterday's a fading sunset,  tomorrow is a dawn we may never see.  “Now” – this moment – is when we live.

One idea...

I actually do have an idea for my future that I want to share with all of you and get feedback on. I think I want to join the Peace Corps. It's a 9 month application process so they recommend applying 9-12 months before you're ready to start, so now is the perfect time for me to be thinking about it. It is a 27 month commitment which is a lot to consider. I've just read through the whole website about it and I think it's something that I'd be good at and would really enjoy though. 

Contentment

I'm very content right now. Actually, I'm more than content. I'm happy :) 

This semester is going really well for me. I'm not stressed out any more because I'm all caught up on my work and it feels great! Life definitely isn't perfect but I'm ok with that!

Last week was an interesting week for me. I was visiting Zeta Pi and stayed in a tiny/shitty hotel off campus -- the water smelled the sweat so every time I got out of the shower I think I smelled a little bit worse than when i got in. There was no alarm clock or iron so my clothes were wrinkled all week. There wasn't a fridge or microwave, which normally wouldn't have been an issue but the entire chapter when out of town Friday morning and so I was left to fend for my self for the whole weekend. The plan was for them to take me shopping for food so I could eat while they were all gone, but without a fridge or microwave that didn't leave me many options for food. Instead they left me with some money and I had to walk across the highway to restaurants. That wasn't too bad and surprisingly I didn't even mind sitting and eating by myself.  And it was really nice having my own space and getting to kind of escape from everyone. I'm definitely a bit of a loner. 

The lovely ladies of Zeta Pi did make me a fruit basket to make my stay a little sweeter. The darlings thought it would be a good idea to put a pineapple in the basket. I'm not sure how they thought I was going to cut the pineapple and eat it since I was staying in a hotel (and I try not to travel with large knives) but it's the thought that counts. As I mentioned, the chapter was out of town all weekend helping host District Day in Kansas and I was left back in Colorado to chill with my Zeta Pi-neapple. Since I was all alone and had no real human interactions all weekend, the pineapple became my "Wilson" from Cast Away. I named her Wilma and we had a marvelous time together.

This week my accommodations are much different. I am staying in the TINEST dorm room I've ever seen with two other girls. My suitcases take up all the extra room in the dorm room so I'm already starting to feel a bit closterfobic. The girls are really nice though! These nice girls did not think about me needing a pillow, blanket or towel though. They managed to find me a blanket and a throw pillow to use last night before bed but they still have not come up with a towel for me. This means that I did not get to shower today and I still smell like the sweaty water from my hotel mixed with airplane/airport smells as well. 

My vacation starts in less than a week and I'm excited. I'm not as desperate for it as I was last semester. In fact, I feel like I could go a few more weeks without a break if I needed to. I am looking forward to seeing people and having some down time though. And warmer weather! I'm in Wisconsin this week and it's rather cold here. The ladies are insisting that they're experiencing a warm front right now, but since the high today was only 20 I'm a little skeptical about this! I'm really enjoying the snow though. I love the smell! It snowed a little in Indy in January and then a little more when I was in Kansas, but nothing to really get excited about. There's at least 6 inches on the ground outside here and I love it! I am not well equipped for this weather though (bad shoes, not enough warm clothes, etc) so even though I'm enjoying it I'll only be a little sad to leave it behind. 

The ladies here are taking me to the mall of America tomorrow and I'm stoked! Not only is it the biggest mall in America but it also has an amusement park IN THE MALL!!! How freaking awesome is that?!? I'm also excited about this because I'm only traveling with 2 pairs of jeans and one of them ripped yesterday and the other pair just looks like crap on me. Too big in all the wrong places. They're also taking me ice skating on Wednesday. I told them I've been before a few times at the mall and stuff. They were like, "Wait, in Texas they have skating rinks in malls? That's SO weird." I told them not in all malls and it's definitely not as weird as having a roller coaster in a mall. They disagree. 

On to a new subject completely: I've changed my mind yet again about what I want to do after this semester. My last plan that I had but did not share on here was to become a nanny while in Austin for the next year. I signed up with Nannies-4-hire and had several families contact me telling me that they were interested in me, but they all wanted me to start immediately. I was also planning on taking a couple of classes at ACC while doing this. I really miss being in school and learning (crazy, I know). My plan was to be a full time nanny and part time student until next summer/August and then move somewhere far away (Ireland, Italy, Spain, Thailand, Japan, somewhere like that) and work/go to school. I am not completely ruling this out as my next step but I do have a new idea. Again, I'm not sharing this with people until I have more information about it and have thought about it some more. Since I do change my mind so often about what I want to do I find that it's easier for me to sit on an idea for a while and really wrap my mind around it before I start sharing it with other people and getting their input. It's an idea that I've had before but I'm much more excited about it now. Really I think it's the best option for me at the moment but I'm hesitant to share it with people because of how they'll react. Thus, I am going to explore it in more detail before doing any sharing. 

I worry that I'm starting to come off as flaky when it comes to my future but I really don't think that's it. I just want to look back on my life later on and be satisfied with the choices that I made and not have any regrets. And life is really short --  I don't want to put off until later things that I could be doing now. There's always time for me to settle down and lead a normal, responsible life. I really feel like now is the time for me to seize opportunities and make the most of my young adult life. So that's what I'm trying to do. I just can't decide quite how I want to do it yet! So stay tuned to hear about what I've got brewing :)

Sorting it all out

I'm a little stressed right now. I am going to quickly list all of the reasons that I'm stressed and see if that helps make me feel better. 

1. I'm still not finished with my Theta Eta report. It's not due until next Monday but I'm usually finished by today and so it's stressing me out that I'm not. I'm not sure if I'll get to finish it tomorrow either. 

2. I still have to do a write up about Theta Eta's installation for the Phoenix magazine. Not looking forward to that. 

3. I have a really busy schedule this week with meetings which doesn't leave time for 1 or 2

4. I've already worked 71 out of my 80 hours this pay period and it's only the end of Tuesday. I'm "not allowed" to go over 80 hours nor am I allowed to tell the chapter that I've worked too much this week and cancel my meetings or not do my reports. 

5. Once I finish 1 and 2 amid my number 3 while ignoring 4 I also have to prepare for my visit to Zeta Pi next week because they are A MESS. 

6. I only read one book last week. While that is still better than most people do, it bothers me. 

7. I haven't written a good blog in a while and I have a lot to write about but not enough time to commit to writing it

8. I'm behind on my emails to John and Hannah

9. I need to do my taxes. 

10. I can't stop thinking about food

11. I need to start figuring out what I want to do overseas/where I want to go 

12. I'm broke. I have a zillion things to pay for and I can afford them all but that doesn't allow me much money left over to be saving for a car or to move to another country

13. My coat is really dirty and I need to get it dry cleaned but it's too cold for me to be without it for a few days

14. I feel guilty about what I want to do with my life, like it's not good enough

So most of my stress is caused by not having enough time in the day. Yes, I could stay up tonight and finish my report but since I get paid minimum wage and am not able to have a personal life while I have this job, I like to allow my self a couple of hours a day (seriously, sometimes it's just 2) to do something I like to do (like read or return emails). I'm enjoying this semester a lot more and I think I'm doing a better job with the chapter, but I'm starting to get stressed. I'm going to do what I can to keep it from getting too bad so that I don't get depressed or start resenting my job. 

I hate small talk. I think it's because 85% of conversations that I have are small talk about me. I'm so fucking tired of talking about myself that I want to puke. All I talk about is what it's like to be an LC, how I got the job, what my major was in college, what I want to do after this, how I'm liking the town I'm in, where I go next, if I've seen any cool places, what positions I held in my chapter, blah blah blah. I promise you I had AT LEAST 6 conversations today that consisted of nothing but those questions, and 5 of them were in the same 1 hour time period! The chapter had a recruitment event tonight and it turned into a little dance party. I was standing in the corner watching the girls and really enjoying myself. I guess girls thought that because I was standing in the corner alone that someone should come and talk to me. Ugh. I didn't want to talk, I just wanted to watch them being silly and laugh at them. But one by one they came over and talked to me. I know they're just trying to be friendly and they can't think of anything else to talk about so they ask me questions about myself so I don't blame them at all. However, that does not make it any less annoying. It's like when a baby throws up on you. Can't get mad at the baby but it's still gross. 

I want to keep writing because I have a lot of things that I want to talk about, but I also want to read my book. Usually I would just do both but I also want to get 8 hours of sleep tonight because I want to get up early so I can get some work done before my conference call at 9am and not be too tired for the rest of my meetings. I desperately need a vacation. Ha. Jules asked me the other day if I was going to be able to work at Cafe Monet over spring break. I won't be home over spring break, but even if I was there's no way. I love that job and I could use the money but this job wears me out so much that I seriously need a week to just do nothing and be brain dead. I really do like this job and am enjoying it, but I'm tired. Really tired. 

The light bulb came on

I feel like I just had an epiphany about my life. 

I have been stressing our for months now trying to figure out what I want to do with my life when I'm done with this job. I had pretty much decided that I was going to go ahead and get my teaching certificate and teach for a few years because that's what makes the most sense. Deep down I wasn't really happy with this decision but I couldn't figure out why. I knew I didn't want teach. It's not that I don't like the idea of being a teaching because I do, but there was just something about it that wasn't sitting right with me. 

A little background for my epiphany: Last night I posted a note on Facebook that listed 25 thing about me that people night not know. I mentioned some people in it and tagged them. Lyndsey, a girl I work with at Cafe Monet was one of them. She read my note and decided to write one herself. I read it and commented on it. Two of the things she mentioned in her note were 1. that she really wants to run a marathon and 2. she really wants to go live in another country for 18 months or so. The comment I left her said "OK Lyndsey, let's do it. Let's train for a marathon for like a year from now and then once we've accomplished it, let's pick a country and go live/teach there for 18 months. I'm not even kidding. " Once I posted the comment I immediately realized why I'm not ok with getting my teaching certificate and teaching.

It's not that I don't want to teach but it's just that I don't want to teach RIGHT NOW. If I get my teaching certificate and start teaching in order to get my loans paid back then that's a big commitment. I'd have to pick a school district and be there for 3-5 years. I don't want to do that. I don't want to make that kind of commitment at this point in my life. All of the avenues I've been looking into are things that would commitment to something big for several years. I'm still young and I want more freedom in my life than that!

I do know that I want to spend the next year or so in Austin. This job has taken it's toll on me and I'm ready to be surrounded by friends and family and be some place familiar for a while. So when I thought about the comment I left Lyndsey I realized that's exactly the kind of thing that I want to do with my life. I want to settle back down temporarily and then and go do something else. Now is the time in my life that it's going to be easiest for me to pick up and move to another country or even just another state. I want to be experiencing things with my life and making the most of it and I just don't feel like I'd be doing that if I were to start some kind of career right now.

I feel so much better now that I've realized this. I couldn't figure out what I wasn't excited about my future. I liked all of the ideas that I was coming up with but none of them seemed right or made me excited for right now. I kept thinking "Sure, that's something I'd love to be doing with my life 10 years from now" but I couldn't figure out what I want to be doing right now.

Right now I want to finish my job as a Leadership Consultant and make the most of the time I have left doing it. I want to do my best with each chapter that I'm working with and really soak up the experience. Then I want to take a break. This "break" means me getting a job, saving money and making plans for the next step in my life. I feel like me taking steps to start a career right now would be the same as me getting married right now -- it's a big commitment that I'm just not ready for.

When I was writing blogs this summer they had a common theme of me wanting the travel and really experience things. For a while I thought that I'd changed my mind about that and it made me sad. It turns out I still really want all of those things but I'm just not ready for them. I have no money and I'm homesick. I need to go home for a while, get my family/friends fix and save some money. I want my life to be something that I look back on and don't regret. I want to have stories to tell my kids that inspire them and make them want to make the most of themselves. I don't feel like I'd be being true to myself if I were to settle down and get a "real" job right now. I feel like I'd really be settling and wasting my life. Some people may see me deciding to spend the next year in Austin and getting a temporary job as a waste of time but I don't see it like that at all.

I don't think I can make you all understand how I feel right now. It's like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders! I have been so stressed out about my future and quite honestly not looking forward to it at all. I kind of saw it as a black hole in space and or like a sinkhole in a swamp. I kept thinking that if I wanted to travel or do something with interesting with my life that I had to do it right away or I had to start grad school or get a real job instead. Why? What's the rush?

Well, I do have a ton of student loans that I need to pay back and that is quite a burden. But I would rather put them off for a while to pursue something really meaningful to me and deal with the interest that I'm going to be accumulating in the process. I already owe so much money that a couple thousand dollars really seems worth it to me -- worth the experiences that I'll be getting.

I do have some ideas for what I want to do with my time while I'm in Austin but I want to think about those some more before I share them. I want to really look into my options and have some knowledge about them before I get my hopes up about any one thing (I do kind of like the idea of training for a marathon though!). And once I figure out what I'm going to be doing for the next year or so then I will start making plans for my next big life adventure. I'm so excited!!! :)

**I'm also posting this blog on myspace.

My life

My life now consists of reading. All the time. I want to keep a list of all the books I've read in 2009 so I can look back later and be impressed by myself. You all may not care about this (which I'm ok with) or you may see it as a list of recommended reading material. I'm going to list the book, who it's by, the date I finished it on and how good it was (1 = I had to force myself to finish it. 2 = Not awful/fairly enjoyable. 3 = It was pretty good and I enjoyed it. 4 = It was really good. 5 = AMAZING). There are a few books I started to read but they didn't make the list because I couldn't bring myself to finish them. All who are wondering, rest assured that I am still doing my job and I believe that I'm actually doing it better this semester than I was last semester. I've found myself a nice balance.

1. Twilight by Stephanie Meyer -- 1/2/09 (5)
2. New Moon by Stephanie Meyer -- 1/4/09 (5)
3. Eclipse by Stephanie Meyer -- 1/7/09 (4.5)
4. Breaking Dawn by Stephanie Meyer -- 1/11/09 (4.5)
5. The Host by Stephanie Meyer -- 1/14/09 (4)
6. The Secret Between Us by Barbara Delinski -- 1/17/09 (1.5)
7. Beach Road by James Patterson -- 1/21/09 (3.5)
8. This Charming Man by Marian Keyes -- 1/24/09 (4)
9. Deception Point by Dan Brown -- 1/28/09 (3)
10. Mind Game by Christine Feehan -- 1/31/09 (4)

11. Asking for Trouble by Elizabeth Young -- 2/8/09 (3.5)

12. All the Pretty Girls by J.T. Ellison -- 2/17/2009 (4)

13. The Long Walk by Stephen King (as Richard Bachman) -- 2/20/2009 (3.5)

14. Shadow Game by Christine Feehan -- 2/26/2009 (3.5)

15. Die Before I Wake by Laurie Breton -- 2/28/2009 (4) 

16. Marley and Me by John Grogan -- 3/3/2009 (3)

17. Somebody Else's Daughter by Elizabeth Brundage -- 3/9/2009 (4.5)

18. Sense and Sensibility by Jane Austen -- 3/21/2009 (3)

19. 14 by J.T. Ellison -- 3/25/2009 (3.5)

20. The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand -- 3/30/2009 (5)