Extremely loud and incredibly close

I realize it's been ages since I've written a blog. That's because the point in me writing this blog in the first place was so that I could keep a record of what I was thinking/feeling/experiencing while I was traveling as an LC. Now that I'm finished with that I've stopped writing. I've decided that I am going to start writing again and share my experiences about my next chapter in life.

Last week I accepted a job as a full-time live-in nanny in the The Woodlands, Texas that starts July 1st. The Woodlands is a really nice part of Texas like 30 minutes outside of Houston. I am very excited about this and very nervous also. I am nervous because I am going to be living with a family that's not mine for the next year (maybe more). I am going to be the outsider trying to fit in. I'm nervous about little things like what it's going to be like at dinner time (will I eat with them, will I eat on my own, what kind of foods do they eat, will I need to start eating meat again, will I still be able to eat healthy?), what it's going to be like in the evenings when I'm off (does the gym in the area have the classes I like to take, if I stay in and hang out at the house will I need to stay in my wing of the house or will the family and I get along well enough for me to hang out with them some, will they be offended if I spend time alone in my room?).

Also, the family is British and has only lived in America for two years. This is exciting for me and a little scary. They do things differently than Americans do and they also treat/view their nannies differently than Americans do. Americans tend to offer more benefits/take care of their nannies a bit more and treat them like a part of the family while Europeans tend to view it more as a service to the family like a housekeeper. This is just what I've observed from talking to families in Europe when I was thinking of being an Au Pair and from interviewing with families in America. I am excited that they're not American because Europeans seem to have higher standards for their children. This excites me because the children are much more well behaved than most American children and also because their parenting style is different than what I'm used to and I LOVE to observe different parenting styles. I feel like the more parenting styles I observe and learn from before I have kids, the better chance I have at being a great mom when the time comes. Hopefully that proves to be right.

I guess the only things I'm nervous about are living with another family (I like them so far and think I'm going to like it, but there's no way of knowing for sure until I move in) and whether or not I'm going to be able to afford all that I need to based on what they're paying me. I broke down what all of my expenses are each month and what my pay is going to be and it looks like I'm going to have about $40 spending money each week. That's not really a lot. I could easily going out with friends for dinner and drinks one night and spend that, so I guess I'll have to be careful not to, or at least not to do it often. I'm trying to seriously save money so that I can get a new car in October. Mine broke again yesterday. The car runs just fine (no engine problems or anything like that) it's just crazy little things that keep breaking. One of the bolts that holds my front tire to the axle came off yesterday so my front tire just about fell off my car while I was driving. Not cool and not safe. I don't know how much it's going to be to fix it yet but I'm seriously tired of spending money to fix this damn car. I also need to start paying back some of my student loans because at this point it's predicted that it's going to take me so long to pay back my loans for one company alone (I have loans through three different companies) that after I pay back the $22,000 I own them I will have paid $26,000 on top of that in interest. That's effing ridiculous. And that's IF I start paying the recommended amount right now, which I can't afford. And, like I said, that's just for one of the three companies I have loans through. It looks like I'm going to be broke forever :(

Hopefully I will meet some other families in the area that I can babysit for on weekends or evenings and make some extra money. Babysitting might be the last thing that I want to do after working as a nanny 40+ hours a week but I'll have to just suck it up. I really don't think I'd mind though. Different family, different kids. I could handle that. Domi (the British mom I'll be working for) said that there's also some nanny groups in the neighborhood that she's going to get me hooked up with so that I can make friends with other nannies in the area. I'm excited about that because it's good contacts for me to make and also because the only person I know in the area is Emily. I love Emily tons and I'm excited to get to hang out with her lots but it would be nice to make more friends in the area, especially because homegirl wants to get a house in Houston.

So those are the things that I'm nervous about concerning the job (money, friends, living situation) but there's lots that I'm excited about too! I am excited that I get to move out of my parents house and still not have to pay rent. I'm really looking forward to being on my own and having a place of my own one day but for now I'm excited to not be living with them (I think they're excited too, and it's nothing personal for either of us) and still being living for "free". This will allow me to focus what money I have coming in on buying a car and paying loans and not have to worry about rent, groceries, utilities, etc. They're also going to fill up my gas tank for me for the driving that I do while I'm working so I only have to buy gas if I go somewhere. I'm also excited to be living in another city. I LOVE Austin and I am pretty sure that I will never want to live in the Houston area but I'm still excited to get to experience another area for a while. And The Woodlands is a really nice area to get to experience :)

I am also excited about the family that I'm going to be working for. Like I said, they're British, which is really exciting for me because I will be getting to experience another culture while staying in America, which is fantastic. They have 3 kids right now (a boy who's 19 and living at home for now, and then two girls who are 11 and 9) and Domi's pregnant with triplets that are due in September (one has a genetic disease though and so they're expecting that it will just be twins and won't be born until October). I start July 1st so the first three months I will be helping to take care of the girls, run them to their summer activities, etc. and just get used to the family and get comfortable with them before the babies come. Domi is a stay at home mom so we'll be working together on everything and her husband works from home. She is very involved with her kids and wants to stay that way but doesn't feel like that will be possible on her own when the babies come. Once the babies arrive the older girls will be back in school so the babies will be my main responsibility. My room is right next the nursery upstairs and the two rooms are kind of in their own wing of the house (the house is HUGE). Domi is planning on getting a night nanny for the first six weeks so that none of us have to get up with the babies at night so that we have enough energy to devote to them during the day. I won't have to do any housework or anything besides the babies laundry/dishes because she's also got a housekeeper. I am excited about getting to watch these babies grow up! At first I though "Wow, me and two infants together all day, everyday for a year. What fun". But then I thought about it as me getting to help and watch them grow throughout the first year of their lives. I like that. Domi also said that she's willing to pay for me to take an infant care class and will probably take it with me. We both have experience with infants (obviously she does) but could both use a good refresher!


The part of this job that I am the MOST excited about is the travel opportunities with the family. They're from England and have only lived here about two years so at Christmas they're going back for like 10 days and I'm going with them! The family would like me to go with them any time they travel, which from the sounds of it is fairly often (at least compared to most families in America). I believe she's already started booking our flights for Christmas so I'm going to be gone from around December 19 through New Years. I'm so excited! I am a bit sad that I won't be with my family for Christmas, especially since this should be a fun one for Jacob and Ryan, but there are many more Christmas's to come that I can spend with them. This family also has a house in the Bahamas and we might be going there in October. It's not like a vacation house that they sometimes go to either but rather another house that they sometimes live in. Right now that's where their dogs are and two of their cars (they haven't decided if they're going to leave those cars there and buy new ones for here or get them shipped over). When I was interviewing with them, Tony (the dad) said that sometimes they'll just decide to pick up and go somewhere fun for the weekend so it's very important that if I work for them that I have a passport and like to travel. I DO!!

This family clearly has a lot of money. The house that they live in right now is enormous and is in a gated community. When I showed up for my interview I had to tell the security guard my name and who I was there to see. He said "Yeah, you're on the list but I still need to call the family and verify. We're very tight with security around here". When I pulled up in front of the house the two houses across the street had big, fancy fountains in the front yard and there were about eight men working on the front yard of the family's house. When she was giving me a tour of the house she said "Now, this is your wing of the house. Here's your room (it's huge with my own bathroom, walk in closet and flat screen TV) and it's right next to the nursery which is actually supposed to be a game room (so it's also huge with it's own little kitchen/bar area for us to make bottles) and outside your room and the nursery is your own little living room (also with a huge flat screen TV). The kids all have TVs in their rooms and we have a family living room that we all watch movies in together so no one should ever be up here really so this is your area to just unwind and relax".

I will have off every morning from like 10:30-12:30, which will be nice and hopefully I'll get to go to the gym then, and then I should be done in the evenings by 7:30 or so. I also get every Sunday off. I don't know what my Saturday's are supposed to look like yet, but when I asked she did assure me that I would get the occasional full weekend off. That's good since Austin is 3 hours and 45 minutes from their house and that's not really a trip I want to make there and back in a day to go home and visit. I also earn two weeks paid vacation. I don't know how quickly I earn it yet but I know I'm not going to want to use it all at once anyway, so that shouldn't be a problem.

I am also a little bummed because John and Kristi are both moving to Austin in August and I'm not going to be around to play with them. Cafe Monet is also opening a second location sometime late summer/early fall and I really wish I was going to get to be a part of that. However, I am still very happy with the choice that I made and feel like the experiences I'll gain through this job will definitely make up for the little bummers that come with it.

This job is a one year commitment so I still need to figure out what I am going to do afterwards. I believe that if the family and I get on well enough together and are both interested then I could work for them longer than one year. As long as I like the kids, the travel is still great and they increase my pay, I think I'd be completely fine with that. The little ones will be older then and my favorite age for kids is between 1 and 4 years anyway. Other options are The Peace Corps (I still love the idea of it but don't love the 27 month commitment of it. That's a long time.), being a YAV, being an Au Pair or doing something completely different that I haven't thought of yet (we all know I change my mind and come up with new ideas more often than some people change their underwear). I feel like I have plenty of time to think it over and weigh my options before making a decision (hell, it took me long enough to make this decision, I definitely need some time before making another). My hope is to do something next year that will give me unique life experiences and not just get a job and apartment. However, there is a part of me that likes routine and being settled. I hope I can keep pushing that part of me aside for a while though.

As for my distant future, I think I like the idea of opening my own daycare. That isn't something great that's going to change the world like I was hoping to do, but it's the first career idea that I've had in a really long time that actually appeals to me. I thought about it a few years back when Nick and I were dating but then kind of dismissed it and never thought of it again. Lisa and I were talking the other day and she mentioned her and Danny joking about opening a day care, which made me think that it sounded like a great idea! I won't go in to details now about the ideas I have for it because it's all surely going to change before it ever really happens, so for now I'll just leave it at this: I really like the idea of one day opening my own daycare. We'll see what happens from here.

So this is the update/introduction on what is to be my life come July 1st. I don't know that I'll write anything between now and then but once I start the job I'll try and write more and keep people updated on what it's like being a nanny in real life.

Here we go round the mulberry bush

During my time as a Leadership Consultant I visited 21 different collegiate chapters of Alpha Sigma Alpha across the country.

SEMESTER ONE

Clayton State Colony, Clayton State University in Morrow, GA

Psi Psi, Northwestern State University, Natchitoches, LA

Rogers State Colony, Rogers State University, Claremore, OK

Delta Nu-A, Kettering University, Flint, MI

Beta Theta, Central Michigan University, Mt. Pleasant, MI

Zeta Rho, University of West Alabama, Livingston, AL

Beta Mu, Henderson State University,

Psi Psi, Northwestern State University, Natchitoches, LA

Rogers State Colony, Rogers State University, Claremore, OK

Beta Gamma, Northeastern State University, Tahlequah, OK

Alpha Beta, Truman State University, Kirksville, MO

Beta Sigma, Missouri State University, Springfield, MO

Zeta Alpha, Missouri Southern State University, Joplin, MO

SEMESTER TWO

Rogers State Colony, Rogers State University, Claremore, OK

Gamma Gamma, Northwest Oklahoma State University, Alva, OK

Epsilon Epsilon, Emporia State University, Emporia, KS

Rogers State Colony/Theta Eta, Rogers State University, Claremore, OK

Beta Beta, University of Northern Colorado, Greeley, CO

Zeta Pi, Colorado State University - Pueblo, Pueblo, CO

Zeta Beta, University of Wisconsin - River Falls, River Falls, WI

Alpha Gamma, Indiana University of Pennsylvania, Indiana, PA

Beta Pi, Concord University, Athens, WV

Theta Beta, Roanoke College, Salem, VA

Zeta Zeta, University of Central Missouri, Warrensburg, MO

Gamma Pi, Missouri Valley College, Marshall, MO

FAVORITE CHAPTERS

Psi Psi - The perfect first chapter visit. Had a blast with them and we instantly bonded. They took me great places to eat and we also had fun hanging out during the hurricane.

Zeta Alpha - The girls I stayed with were so much fun. I went out with them a couple of nights and had a great time. And they cut my hair!

Epsilon Epsilon - They fed me lots of ice cream and took me to a creepy, haunted bridge. I had so much fun just hanging out with them at the house that I stayed an extra day with them.

Beta Pi - These women made a point to come and hang out with me in the chapter lounge where I was staying. We also took a trip to Hobby Lobby and spent forever picking out fabric for shirts.

Gamma Pi - The funniest women I have ever met.

LEAST FAVORITE CHAPTERS

Beta Mu - Didn't feed me at all, left me in the dorm alone, didn't care about anything that I had to say

Beta Sigma - Lied to me, rigged elections, didn't give me a blanket, forgot to feed me a few times

Zeta Pi - Not motivated or passionate about Alpha Sigma Alpha

Alpha Gamma - Very fake and superficial, always late

FAVORITE MEMBERS

Psi Psi - Krystal Smith (Treasurer, Secretary, Parliamentarian, Ritual Chairman) and Whitney Rivett (President)

Rogers State/Theta Eta - Hope Chitwood (VP of PR and Recruitment and then President)

Beta Theta - Melissa Tucker (VP of PR and Recruitment)

Beta Gamma - Leanne Williams (Secretary)

Beta Beta - Sarah Groth (President)

Zeta Zeta - Annie Devine (VP of Panhellenic)

FAVORITE ALUMNA

Sue Zorichak, Boulder, Colorado

Germany, Sweden, America, Chasity

So are you all ready for the latest update on what I might be doing with my life for the next year? Because of course it's not the same as it was just a week ago. 

Last week I applied for lots of jobs and I have heard back from several of them. I have a job interview to be a day camp counselor for the summer for when I get back in to town and I also received a phone call today to set up a time for an interview for a job as a gymboree teacher. I wasn't able to actually set up an interview time for that one yet because I don't get a cell phone signal in the town that I'm staying in this week. I'm going to venture out tomorrow in search of a spot with a signal so I can call her back and set up a time. I'm more hopeful about the gymboree teacher job because it pays a little better and they have a location in south Austin whereas the day camp is much farther north (although that one is a lot of fun field-trips with the kids).

I've also heard back from a few different families about being a nanny. I heard back from the one with the possible travel to Europe and they said they're going to call me to talk to me further. That was several days ago and I haven't heard back from them yet so I'm a little nervous. I've also heard from another family that is looking for a full time, live-in nanny in the Westlake area in Austin. I have not been able to talk to them on the phone yet because of the limited cell phone service I have this week, so that's really frustrating for me. I am going to call them when I get to Indy this weekend. When I first started looking at being a nanny my plan was to stay in the Austin area but then I decided to broaden my search to anywhere in Texas. With the grad program at Schreiner to get my teaching certificate, I can do that from anywhere as long as I can make it to Kerrville one weekend a month. So I decided to keep my options open. 

I don't remember if I mentioned in one of my other blogs the jobs that I applied for with KISD. I was talking to Elaine a few weeks ago and she mentioned that they have a few openings, one of which is for the job that her fiancee has at the moment. I talked to him about his job and decided that it was something I'm interested in and so I filled out an application and sent it in. I also applied for a couple of other jobs they have open in the district as well, just in case. Sam (Elaine's fiancee) also put in a good word for me with his boss. These jobs don't really pay that great though and there's a chance that I'd make more money as a nanny. But, like I said, I'm keeping all my options open. 

In addition to contacting families in Texas about being a nanny, I also created a profile with greataupair.com, which is a website that connects families with au pairs (nannies) both domestically and internationally. I did this just to browse the site and see what kinds of families in other countries are looking for au pairs. Today I had two different families contact me to tell me that they viewed my profile and are interested in learning more about me because they feel I'd be a good fit for their family. This caught me a bit off guard (in a good way). 

The first family is a family with 3 kids in Germany and the second is a family in Sweden that has one little girl now and they are expecting twins in September. Both families would pay for me to take classes to learn their respective language once I get there. The German family is super nice, sent me a really long email and is putting me in contact with their current and past au pairs so I can talk to them about their experiences. They're looking for someone to start sometime between the end of July and beginning of September. The Swedish family is going to call me this weekend to talk more and I can't remember when they said they need someone to start. 

So that totally messes up the plans that I thought I had at this point. I thought that I wanted to stay in the country (more specifically in Texas) for the next year and then embark on some journey to another country next fall. But I love kids and I'd really like to be a nanny, so why not go and do it in another country? I see no good reason why not. If I do this I would not be able to get my teaching certificate, but I think I'm ok with that since I'm not even sure that I want to be a teacher. Other things that might be an issue are Elaine's wedding (I'm letting the families know about it though and that I need to come back for it) and me applying for a program like the Peace Corps or YAV (how does the interview process work if I'm not in America?). Also, the going rate for a live-in nanny in America with my level of education and experience with kids is between $450 and $600 a week. For an au pair in another country the going rate seems to be $100-$200 a week. I'm not really sure how I am going to make that work with having loans that I need to pay back and such. Hopefully the German family's au pairs can tell me more about all of the money stuff. 

So once I started thinking about the au pair thing and how I wouldn't be able to get my teaching certificate, that got me thinking about whether or not I really want to get it at all. It'll cost me another $11,000 in student loans and my only reasons for getting it are to give me something extra to put down as a qualification when applying for the Peace Corps and as a back-up plan for my future. Is that really worth $11,000? I'm not so sure. Plus I'd have to spend $180 to take the GRE as soon as I get back to Austin and I don't really have that money right now. I'd also like to have some time to study for this test before spending that much money on it and I don't really have that option either. So now I'm trying to decide if I want to apply for the program at all and I have to make up my mind soon (like in the next few days) because applications are due May 1st and I need to get my letters of recommendation in by that time too. 

So at this point I have no certainties about my future holds for me but I'm really excited about all of my options at the moment. I've finally decided that I am going to do something with my life that makes ME happy and not worry about what other people think of it. I was stressing out so much about my future because I felt like I had to decide on a career right away now that I have a degree. I felt like because I went to college that my next step had to be to get a "real job" because that's what's expected of a college graduate. I felt like the only way I would be considered successful in the eyes of other people would be if I went on to graduate school or immediately started a career. The pressure I was feeling from others was overwhelming. Once I thought about it though I realized that no one in my life was actually putting this pressure on me and it was all in my head. All of my friends and family have been supportive of the ideas I've had for my future, especially lately. This is very encouraging. 

I've now decided that I don't care if the rest of the world views me as a success or not. This is MY life and I am going to do what makes ME happy. I went to college because I wanted to continue my education after high school and because having a degree would put me a head in the game of life and open more doors for me. I did it because it was something that I wanted to do, not just because it was what was expected of me. Now that I have my degree it's up to me to decide if I want to use it and how. Even if I don't end up using my degree I know that I will never look back on my time in college and the money spent there as a waste. I learned a lot about myself from the experience and of course from the classes as well. I am not saying that I'm going to just dabble in things the rest of my life and float from one thing to the next, whatever happens to make me happy at the moment. I'm just saying that I'm not going to do things because that's what expected of me or because that's what people my age usually do. I enjoy learning and would really like to go back to school one day and continue my education, I just don't know when or in what. I also know that I want a family one day and that's going to require some stability in my life, especially financially. That day is not today though. 

So this is my plan:

1. Experience as many things as I can

2. Do something that makes me feel like I've given of myself and impacted the world in some way

3. Start a family and be completely devoted to them and making sure they have as many experiences as they can

At the end of my life I want to feel as though I lived my life to the fullest and experienced as many things as I could during my time on earth. 

Little convo

A conversation between Nicole and I on google chat today:

me: Today I got really sad when I realized that is the last chapter I'm going to visit as an LC

Nicole: i know. isnt it weird 

me: I almost cried during their chapter meeting thinking that they're the last group of women I'm going to get to impact like this

Nicole: oh noooo. L  i know. it's so weird. like ive been sayin for a while... im ready to be done with the work... but im not ready to be done being an LC 

me: I thought I was. But I really do love feeling like I make a difference and getting to help these women, as individual members and as officers

Nicole: absolutely. you should go into student affairs, homes. thats what im gonna do for the rest of my life

me: I want to go on to help those less fortunate than me. I know that sounds cliche.  but I want to help those who have been dealt a really bad hand in life. I know what its like and it sucks and I hate that they often get over looked or pushed to the side or written off as being fuck ups when it's not always their fault (especially kids of fuck ups). but student affairs is my second choice! 

Nicole: hahaha. Definitely. 

Almost done

I am visiting my very last chapter right now and it's great! It's great for several reasons. First off, I really like these girls a lot. This is the most comfortable I've been with a chapter this soon in the visit and I'm having a lot of fun with them. We went roller skating last night! Secondly, it's great because it's my last visit!! I'm almost done! Yay!! While I was in their chapter meeting tonight it really hit me that I'm almost done with this job and it made me quite sad. This is the first time that the thought of being done has made me sad. Up until today whenever I think of being done with this job I get a feeling of relief. Tonight I realized that this is the last chapter that I'm going to get to help. I almost cried right there in the middle of their meeting. This once in a lifetime experience is almost over. It's really hard for me to believe that. It's also hard for me to believe that I graduated from college almost a year ago. It just doesn't feel like it.

I mentioned in my last blog that I've been keeping up with my list of all the books that I've read this semester and my good friend Alex read that and recommended a website to me www.goodreads.com. That's where I'm going to be updating my list of books read from now on. It lets me rate the books I've read and keep a list of books that I want to read. I can also see what books my friends have read and plan on reading. It's pretty nifty. You should all check it out and join so I can see what books you've read and use it to add to my list of books! I'm not adding all the books I've ever read, just the books I've read in 2009 plus a few others. 

The book that I'm reading right now is really interesting. It's called Smashed by Koren Zailckas and it's about her struggles with alcohol and binge drinking. She went to Syracuse University and it's weird reading about it because she'll mention a park where she used to walk her dog and I realize that's the park I used to go sledding at in the winter, or she'll mention a street she went to a house party on and I realize that's a street that I used to live on. It's really weird for me. I can also relate to some of her stories and feelings (not all of them, but some) and that part makes me kinda sad, and not in a nostalgic kind of way. She was also in a sorority when she was in college and I'm happy to report we did not really have the same sorority experience while we were in college -- I like mine a lot better. 

I wrote a blog titled "Aspire, seek, attain" a little while back and for those of you who read this who are members of Alpha Sigma Alpha, I'm sure you saw it and didn't think much of it besides "Oh yeah, that's our open motto". For those of you who are not in Alpha Sigma Alpha, I'm curious to know what you thought about it and it's significance, or if you even thought anything of it at all. I used that as the title of my blog because I think my sororities open motto is really a great motto for life and I don't think that I think about the meaning of it often enough nor apply it to my life as I should. I was in a meeting with a collegian a couple of weeks ago and I made reference to it and all of a sudden it just hit me: Aspire. Seek. Attain. I stopped for a minute and thought about those words and the meaning behind them, individually and together. I also used our creed as the title of several blogs last semester because I love it. I don't often think about each sentence on it's own but have gotten in the habit of just reciting it without much thought at all. 

To fill my days with satisfying activity

To find dominant beauty in art, literature, nature and friendships

To know the peace and serenity of a divine faith

To love life and joyously live each day to it's ultimate good

When I really stop and think about all of the things that Alpha Sigma Alpha stands for, the things we promote and the standards which we ask our members to try and live up to, it really makes me proud to be a member of this sorority and to be working for it now. It's a really nice feeling to have. 

Living in the moment

So this blog is not about my plans for my future but about my life right now. 

I'm still sicking with this vegetarian thing and it's going really well for me. It will be a month on Sunday. I decided that I am definitely going to stick with it the rest of the time that I'm on the road and while I'm in Chicago and then I'm going to reevaluate it when I'm in Austin. I think I might start eating meat again and just make a conscious effort to eat it less. Really, I think I'll probably just eat meat at home when Mike and Sandy cook it (they do so often and very well) but I like the challenge of finding other things to eat when I'm out and like the idea of having to find new things to cook too. It's really forcing me to be healthier too. Being a vegetarian paired with the fact that I gave up pizza for lent is doing wonders for my figure. The ladies here took me to their student union for lunch today and the options were Subway, Pizza Hut, Taco Bell or Burger King. I love that I don't have the option of ordering a double stacker from BK. This is forcing me to have the will power that I don't have on my own. So while Katie had a junior bacon cheese burger I had a salad with fat free ranch, fat free yogurt and a V8. And I thought every bite of it was delicious! 

I will be back in Indy and off the road one week from tomorrow!!! I am so excited! I am excited to be back in Indy because I love being at Headquarters and because I love living out of a hotel with Nicole. I'm also excited about going back home. The worst part of this job is just the repetitiveness. I am going to miss traveling and spending time with chapters but I think I'm still ready to be done. I'm going to look back on the experience fondly and always be glad that I did it, but I'm ready for this experience to be over and for the next one to start. I do love the feeling I get when I'm at a chapter and I can tell that I'm really helping them. I really want to go back to Kerrville and share the things I've learned with my chapter and help them to become even more amazing than they are. I'd love for Theta Epsilon to win Crown of Excellence next year (the highest national award that a collegiate chapter can win and it's only awarded to one chapter each year). They're already a good chapter and I feel like I could help give them that edge that they need. I feel like they would be hesitant to listen to the things I'd have to say though. That makes me sad.

What else is going on in my life? Oh, a whole lot of nothing. I have still been reading a lot lately. Every time I finish a book I go back and edit the blog I wrote a couple months ago so the list of books I've read stays updated. I think there's 20 books on there now with my little reviews of them. It makes me quite happy to look at the list and see them all. That reminds me of all the things I'm looking forward to this summer. 

1. Getting a library card and going to the library

2. Getting a bike and riding it to the library

3. Cooking my own meals (and sharing them with Mike and Sandy)

4. Not living out of a suitcase

5. Seeing Jake and Ryan

6. Consistent warm weather (not looking forward to the super hot weather though)

7. Outdoor activities (tubing, walking, kayaking, swimming, etc)

8. Getting a tan (from the sun, not a tanning bed)

9. Not having reports I have to write every week

10. Having friends I get to spend time with again

11. Seeing John!!!! (at the end of the summer when he comes back)

12. Being stationary for a while 

13. Hopefully making new friends

Aspire, seek, attain

I have 16 more days until I am officially done being a Leadership Consultant and 19 more days until I'm back in Austin. Nicole, Jeff, Eric and I are going to take a weekend trip to Chicago before Nicole and I go back home for the summer and I'm pretty excited about it. I've never been to Chicago (the airport doesn't really count, right?) so I'm excited to see the city and hang out with my friends that I don't know if I'll ever see again. I arrive back to Austin on April 20 and I don't really know what's going to happen from there. 

My plan was to come back to Austin, work full time at Cafe Monet all summer and then move to Kerrville in the fall to get a job and be doing grad school to get my teaching certificate, even though I don't know if I want to teach. While doing all of this I planned on applying for programs like the Peace Corps, AmeriCorps, YAV, etc. so I could be embarking on a new journey in the fall of 2010. I want to be in the central Texas area for the next year to be close to my friends and family for a while and get my teaching certificate so that I have some sort of edge/training that could be useful in whatever program I get accepted in to. 

That was my plan and for the most part still is my plan. Right now I don't know how many hours I'm going to be able to get at Cafe Monet this summer. In April I'm only scheduled 7 hours for a two week pay period and while I know that April is the slowest month for Cafe Monet, I am still worried about what my hours will look like for the rest of the summer. So I've started looking in to other options for the summer. I applied for a few jobs I found on Craig's List (summer day camps, preschool teacher, etc.) and applied for some jobs that are open with CPS in Austin, San Antonio and Round Rock. I also applied for some jobs with Kerrville Independent School district for the fall and contacted some families from Nannies4hire about being a nanny (either full time or just for the summer). 

There is one family that I am really interested in. The mom is in rehab right now so it's the Dad and Grandma taking care of the little girl (she's like 2). The Dad lives in Austin and the Grandma is back and forth between Austin, Houston, and Connecticut. The Grandfather is a professor in Switzerland (yes, that country over in Europe) and the family is looking for a nanny that would be able to accompany them back and forth to all of these places (including Europe). How awesome would that be?? I have already heard back from a couple of other families wanting to talk to me more which is encouraging but I'm hesitant to talk to them much when this is the one I really want. I'm afraid that I'll talk to a family I like and commit and then get offered something better. But I also don't want to hold out waiting for something better and nothing come along. 

As far as line of work, I am pretty much open to anything right now. The grad program at Schreiner is online with one Saturday class a month so if I got accepted in to this program I would not necessarily be forced to live in Kerrville. I am most likely going to live where ever I get the best paying job with the most usable/interesting experience. 

I am really excited about what is going to come next for me after this year. I am really excited about leaving the country and doing something to be helping others in some way. That's really the most generic way that I could have said that but I can't think of the right words to express it. There's so much that I want to do with my life and I really feel like this would be the first step towards that. I want to be giving. I want to be helping. I want to be making a difference. I want to be forced out of my comfort zone. I want to be experiencing something different. I don't want to just live a normal old life. I want to make an impact on the lives of others, make them better in some way. I haven't figured out exactly how yet so I think this is a good starting point for me. I don't want to come back from this experience (what ever it may be) and just slip into the working world and blend in with everyone else. Blah. I want my life to mean something. 

Dreamworld

Well, it seems it's been a while again since I've posted anything here. I am happy to report that I am taking definite steps towards making a decision about my future. I know that's still kind of vague but it's still progress. By taking steps I mean that I think I've figured out that I'm going to be moving back to Kerrville in August. I've applied for a few jobs there and am also pretty sure I'm going to apply to get my teaching certificate from Schreiner in the fall. My plan is to work with youth in some capacity while getting my teaching certificate then the following fall to leave on some exciting expedition for a year or two. I want the work that I'm doing in the mean time coupled with me taking classes to get my teaching certificate to give me needed experience to work with children/youth/families in some way on my expedition. The things I'm looking at for this expedition are the Peace Corps, AmeriCorps, YAV (I'm thinking Ireland), or some program similar to one of those (I'm still looking). Jobs that I'm looking in to in Kerrville are at the Hill Country Youth Ranch, Tally elementary school as a behavioral unit aid, child protective services, etc. 

If I decided after getting my teaching certificate that teaching is something that I really am interested in doing then Texas Tech has a masters program that is partnered with the Peace Corps. I would take classes at Tech for a year and then do my time in the Peace Corps and come out with my masters in education and international teaching experience. This would allow me to get a job in the United States or give me the edge I'd need to work in another country if I wanted to. If I don't think that teaching is really the route that I want to take then I will still be able to use my experience with kids and my teaching certificate to explore other avenues through a volunteer program and hopefully that will help me to make a decision about what I want to do with the rest of my life, what kind of masters degree I want, etc. I still don't have my life all figured out but I am feeling better about it. 

I've also recently made the decision to be a vegetarian for a while. This is something that I'm doing just for fun -- a personal challenge. It's not permanent and I really have no reasons for doing it other than just to see if I can. I still love the taste of meat and don't mind eating cute, furry creatures. It's going well so far. I started last Sunday so today makes day 6. I do still eat fish so I guess I'm not a full vegetarian but it's not something that I'm willing to give up -- there are just too many health benefits that come from eating fish. I'm also back to eating healthy again; I kind of took a break from it the first part of the semester. Eating healthy and being a vegetarian while not really being in control of where I eat can be a bit difficult. If the women I'm staying with take to me to a restaurant sometimes my options are bean and cheese nachos (vegetarian but not really healthy) or a grilled chicken sandwich (healthier, but not vegetarian) or unhealthy, meaty things. I also gave up pizza for lent which is really helping with the healthy thing as well. Three of my favorite foods are pizza, chicken wings and burgers, none of which I can eat now! It's a lot easier to avoid these foods when I feel like I can't or am not allowed to eat them rather than I just shouldn't eat them. I love french fries too and I can still eat those, but eating french fries with out a burger or chicken sandwich just feels wrong. 

When I first started writing this blog several months ago it was with the purpose of chronicling my experiences as a leadership consultant so I could look back on it later in life and also to help others understand what my life is like while I'm on the road. However, I talk about my job all the time with people I encounter so it makes me not want to talk about it in my personal life (with friends or in my blog). This poses quite the dilemma. I kind of want to talk about the chapter full of Barbie dolls that I'm visiting this week and what it's like, but then I don't. I think it does speak volumes about my job to know that what I do makes me not want to talk about what I do, if that makes sense. I love this job but it wears me out a bit sometimes I just don't want to think about it or talk about it at all. I do want to say that here in Pennsylvania they take St. Patrick's Day very seriously. It's still a few days away but there was a parade complete with bagpipes and baton twirlers serving as my alarm clock this morning and well after the parade was over there are people walking down the street in head to toe green. It's fantastic. 

Just now I went back and reread the first blog that I posted on here to see what I had to say and how my perspective has changed. I started out with in introduction to the blog to let people know what my intentions were. I said that this was going to be a blog not just about my life as a leadership consultant but that it would also address issues like my ongoing battle with my weight and also my plans for the future. I forgot that I said that but I definitely hit the nail on the head predicting the things that I would end up writing the most about. I guess I know myself pretty well. 

Be happy for this moment. This moment is your life.

Robert Hastings wrote….

Tucked away in our subconscious minds is an idyllic vision in which we see ourselves on a long journey that spans an entire continent. We're traveling by train and, from the windows, we watch the passing scenes of cars on nearby highways, of children waving at crossings, of cattle grazing in distant pastures, of smoke pouring from power plants, of row upon row upon row of cotton and corn and wheat, of flatlands and valleys, of city skylines and village halls.

But uppermost in our conscious minds is our final destination--for at a certain hour and on a given day, our train will finally pull into the Station with bells ringing, flags waving, and bands playing. And once that day comes, so many wonderful dreams will come true. So restlessly, we pace the aisles and count the miles, peering ahead, waiting, waiting, waiting to get to the Station.

"Yes, when we reach the Station, that will be it!" we promise ourselves. When we're eighteen. . . twenty-one…get that fabulous job…meet Mr. Right…start our family. . . put the last kid through college. . . buy that 450SL Mercedes-Benz.  That day, that moment, will mark the beginning of our own personal “happily ever after.”

Sooner or later, however, we must realize there is no destination, no Station in this life, no one earthly place to arrive at once and for all. The journey is the joy. The Station is an illusion--it constantly outdistances us. Yesterday's a memory, tomorrow's a dream. Yesterday belongs to history, tomorrow belongs to God.  Yesterday's a fading sunset,  tomorrow is a dawn we may never see.  “Now” – this moment – is when we live.

One idea...

I actually do have an idea for my future that I want to share with all of you and get feedback on. I think I want to join the Peace Corps. It's a 9 month application process so they recommend applying 9-12 months before you're ready to start, so now is the perfect time for me to be thinking about it. It is a 27 month commitment which is a lot to consider. I've just read through the whole website about it and I think it's something that I'd be good at and would really enjoy though. 

Contentment

I'm very content right now. Actually, I'm more than content. I'm happy :) 

This semester is going really well for me. I'm not stressed out any more because I'm all caught up on my work and it feels great! Life definitely isn't perfect but I'm ok with that!

Last week was an interesting week for me. I was visiting Zeta Pi and stayed in a tiny/shitty hotel off campus -- the water smelled the sweat so every time I got out of the shower I think I smelled a little bit worse than when i got in. There was no alarm clock or iron so my clothes were wrinkled all week. There wasn't a fridge or microwave, which normally wouldn't have been an issue but the entire chapter when out of town Friday morning and so I was left to fend for my self for the whole weekend. The plan was for them to take me shopping for food so I could eat while they were all gone, but without a fridge or microwave that didn't leave me many options for food. Instead they left me with some money and I had to walk across the highway to restaurants. That wasn't too bad and surprisingly I didn't even mind sitting and eating by myself.  And it was really nice having my own space and getting to kind of escape from everyone. I'm definitely a bit of a loner. 

The lovely ladies of Zeta Pi did make me a fruit basket to make my stay a little sweeter. The darlings thought it would be a good idea to put a pineapple in the basket. I'm not sure how they thought I was going to cut the pineapple and eat it since I was staying in a hotel (and I try not to travel with large knives) but it's the thought that counts. As I mentioned, the chapter was out of town all weekend helping host District Day in Kansas and I was left back in Colorado to chill with my Zeta Pi-neapple. Since I was all alone and had no real human interactions all weekend, the pineapple became my "Wilson" from Cast Away. I named her Wilma and we had a marvelous time together.

This week my accommodations are much different. I am staying in the TINEST dorm room I've ever seen with two other girls. My suitcases take up all the extra room in the dorm room so I'm already starting to feel a bit closterfobic. The girls are really nice though! These nice girls did not think about me needing a pillow, blanket or towel though. They managed to find me a blanket and a throw pillow to use last night before bed but they still have not come up with a towel for me. This means that I did not get to shower today and I still smell like the sweaty water from my hotel mixed with airplane/airport smells as well. 

My vacation starts in less than a week and I'm excited. I'm not as desperate for it as I was last semester. In fact, I feel like I could go a few more weeks without a break if I needed to. I am looking forward to seeing people and having some down time though. And warmer weather! I'm in Wisconsin this week and it's rather cold here. The ladies are insisting that they're experiencing a warm front right now, but since the high today was only 20 I'm a little skeptical about this! I'm really enjoying the snow though. I love the smell! It snowed a little in Indy in January and then a little more when I was in Kansas, but nothing to really get excited about. There's at least 6 inches on the ground outside here and I love it! I am not well equipped for this weather though (bad shoes, not enough warm clothes, etc) so even though I'm enjoying it I'll only be a little sad to leave it behind. 

The ladies here are taking me to the mall of America tomorrow and I'm stoked! Not only is it the biggest mall in America but it also has an amusement park IN THE MALL!!! How freaking awesome is that?!? I'm also excited about this because I'm only traveling with 2 pairs of jeans and one of them ripped yesterday and the other pair just looks like crap on me. Too big in all the wrong places. They're also taking me ice skating on Wednesday. I told them I've been before a few times at the mall and stuff. They were like, "Wait, in Texas they have skating rinks in malls? That's SO weird." I told them not in all malls and it's definitely not as weird as having a roller coaster in a mall. They disagree. 

On to a new subject completely: I've changed my mind yet again about what I want to do after this semester. My last plan that I had but did not share on here was to become a nanny while in Austin for the next year. I signed up with Nannies-4-hire and had several families contact me telling me that they were interested in me, but they all wanted me to start immediately. I was also planning on taking a couple of classes at ACC while doing this. I really miss being in school and learning (crazy, I know). My plan was to be a full time nanny and part time student until next summer/August and then move somewhere far away (Ireland, Italy, Spain, Thailand, Japan, somewhere like that) and work/go to school. I am not completely ruling this out as my next step but I do have a new idea. Again, I'm not sharing this with people until I have more information about it and have thought about it some more. Since I do change my mind so often about what I want to do I find that it's easier for me to sit on an idea for a while and really wrap my mind around it before I start sharing it with other people and getting their input. It's an idea that I've had before but I'm much more excited about it now. Really I think it's the best option for me at the moment but I'm hesitant to share it with people because of how they'll react. Thus, I am going to explore it in more detail before doing any sharing. 

I worry that I'm starting to come off as flaky when it comes to my future but I really don't think that's it. I just want to look back on my life later on and be satisfied with the choices that I made and not have any regrets. And life is really short --  I don't want to put off until later things that I could be doing now. There's always time for me to settle down and lead a normal, responsible life. I really feel like now is the time for me to seize opportunities and make the most of my young adult life. So that's what I'm trying to do. I just can't decide quite how I want to do it yet! So stay tuned to hear about what I've got brewing :)

Sorting it all out

I'm a little stressed right now. I am going to quickly list all of the reasons that I'm stressed and see if that helps make me feel better. 

1. I'm still not finished with my Theta Eta report. It's not due until next Monday but I'm usually finished by today and so it's stressing me out that I'm not. I'm not sure if I'll get to finish it tomorrow either. 

2. I still have to do a write up about Theta Eta's installation for the Phoenix magazine. Not looking forward to that. 

3. I have a really busy schedule this week with meetings which doesn't leave time for 1 or 2

4. I've already worked 71 out of my 80 hours this pay period and it's only the end of Tuesday. I'm "not allowed" to go over 80 hours nor am I allowed to tell the chapter that I've worked too much this week and cancel my meetings or not do my reports. 

5. Once I finish 1 and 2 amid my number 3 while ignoring 4 I also have to prepare for my visit to Zeta Pi next week because they are A MESS. 

6. I only read one book last week. While that is still better than most people do, it bothers me. 

7. I haven't written a good blog in a while and I have a lot to write about but not enough time to commit to writing it

8. I'm behind on my emails to John and Hannah

9. I need to do my taxes. 

10. I can't stop thinking about food

11. I need to start figuring out what I want to do overseas/where I want to go 

12. I'm broke. I have a zillion things to pay for and I can afford them all but that doesn't allow me much money left over to be saving for a car or to move to another country

13. My coat is really dirty and I need to get it dry cleaned but it's too cold for me to be without it for a few days

14. I feel guilty about what I want to do with my life, like it's not good enough

So most of my stress is caused by not having enough time in the day. Yes, I could stay up tonight and finish my report but since I get paid minimum wage and am not able to have a personal life while I have this job, I like to allow my self a couple of hours a day (seriously, sometimes it's just 2) to do something I like to do (like read or return emails). I'm enjoying this semester a lot more and I think I'm doing a better job with the chapter, but I'm starting to get stressed. I'm going to do what I can to keep it from getting too bad so that I don't get depressed or start resenting my job. 

I hate small talk. I think it's because 85% of conversations that I have are small talk about me. I'm so fucking tired of talking about myself that I want to puke. All I talk about is what it's like to be an LC, how I got the job, what my major was in college, what I want to do after this, how I'm liking the town I'm in, where I go next, if I've seen any cool places, what positions I held in my chapter, blah blah blah. I promise you I had AT LEAST 6 conversations today that consisted of nothing but those questions, and 5 of them were in the same 1 hour time period! The chapter had a recruitment event tonight and it turned into a little dance party. I was standing in the corner watching the girls and really enjoying myself. I guess girls thought that because I was standing in the corner alone that someone should come and talk to me. Ugh. I didn't want to talk, I just wanted to watch them being silly and laugh at them. But one by one they came over and talked to me. I know they're just trying to be friendly and they can't think of anything else to talk about so they ask me questions about myself so I don't blame them at all. However, that does not make it any less annoying. It's like when a baby throws up on you. Can't get mad at the baby but it's still gross. 

I want to keep writing because I have a lot of things that I want to talk about, but I also want to read my book. Usually I would just do both but I also want to get 8 hours of sleep tonight because I want to get up early so I can get some work done before my conference call at 9am and not be too tired for the rest of my meetings. I desperately need a vacation. Ha. Jules asked me the other day if I was going to be able to work at Cafe Monet over spring break. I won't be home over spring break, but even if I was there's no way. I love that job and I could use the money but this job wears me out so much that I seriously need a week to just do nothing and be brain dead. I really do like this job and am enjoying it, but I'm tired. Really tired. 

The light bulb came on

I feel like I just had an epiphany about my life. 

I have been stressing our for months now trying to figure out what I want to do with my life when I'm done with this job. I had pretty much decided that I was going to go ahead and get my teaching certificate and teach for a few years because that's what makes the most sense. Deep down I wasn't really happy with this decision but I couldn't figure out why. I knew I didn't want teach. It's not that I don't like the idea of being a teaching because I do, but there was just something about it that wasn't sitting right with me. 

A little background for my epiphany: Last night I posted a note on Facebook that listed 25 thing about me that people night not know. I mentioned some people in it and tagged them. Lyndsey, a girl I work with at Cafe Monet was one of them. She read my note and decided to write one herself. I read it and commented on it. Two of the things she mentioned in her note were 1. that she really wants to run a marathon and 2. she really wants to go live in another country for 18 months or so. The comment I left her said "OK Lyndsey, let's do it. Let's train for a marathon for like a year from now and then once we've accomplished it, let's pick a country and go live/teach there for 18 months. I'm not even kidding. " Once I posted the comment I immediately realized why I'm not ok with getting my teaching certificate and teaching.

It's not that I don't want to teach but it's just that I don't want to teach RIGHT NOW. If I get my teaching certificate and start teaching in order to get my loans paid back then that's a big commitment. I'd have to pick a school district and be there for 3-5 years. I don't want to do that. I don't want to make that kind of commitment at this point in my life. All of the avenues I've been looking into are things that would commitment to something big for several years. I'm still young and I want more freedom in my life than that!

I do know that I want to spend the next year or so in Austin. This job has taken it's toll on me and I'm ready to be surrounded by friends and family and be some place familiar for a while. So when I thought about the comment I left Lyndsey I realized that's exactly the kind of thing that I want to do with my life. I want to settle back down temporarily and then and go do something else. Now is the time in my life that it's going to be easiest for me to pick up and move to another country or even just another state. I want to be experiencing things with my life and making the most of it and I just don't feel like I'd be doing that if I were to start some kind of career right now.

I feel so much better now that I've realized this. I couldn't figure out what I wasn't excited about my future. I liked all of the ideas that I was coming up with but none of them seemed right or made me excited for right now. I kept thinking "Sure, that's something I'd love to be doing with my life 10 years from now" but I couldn't figure out what I want to be doing right now.

Right now I want to finish my job as a Leadership Consultant and make the most of the time I have left doing it. I want to do my best with each chapter that I'm working with and really soak up the experience. Then I want to take a break. This "break" means me getting a job, saving money and making plans for the next step in my life. I feel like me taking steps to start a career right now would be the same as me getting married right now -- it's a big commitment that I'm just not ready for.

When I was writing blogs this summer they had a common theme of me wanting the travel and really experience things. For a while I thought that I'd changed my mind about that and it made me sad. It turns out I still really want all of those things but I'm just not ready for them. I have no money and I'm homesick. I need to go home for a while, get my family/friends fix and save some money. I want my life to be something that I look back on and don't regret. I want to have stories to tell my kids that inspire them and make them want to make the most of themselves. I don't feel like I'd be being true to myself if I were to settle down and get a "real" job right now. I feel like I'd really be settling and wasting my life. Some people may see me deciding to spend the next year in Austin and getting a temporary job as a waste of time but I don't see it like that at all.

I don't think I can make you all understand how I feel right now. It's like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders! I have been so stressed out about my future and quite honestly not looking forward to it at all. I kind of saw it as a black hole in space and or like a sinkhole in a swamp. I kept thinking that if I wanted to travel or do something with interesting with my life that I had to do it right away or I had to start grad school or get a real job instead. Why? What's the rush?

Well, I do have a ton of student loans that I need to pay back and that is quite a burden. But I would rather put them off for a while to pursue something really meaningful to me and deal with the interest that I'm going to be accumulating in the process. I already owe so much money that a couple thousand dollars really seems worth it to me -- worth the experiences that I'll be getting.

I do have some ideas for what I want to do with my time while I'm in Austin but I want to think about those some more before I share them. I want to really look into my options and have some knowledge about them before I get my hopes up about any one thing (I do kind of like the idea of training for a marathon though!). And once I figure out what I'm going to be doing for the next year or so then I will start making plans for my next big life adventure. I'm so excited!!! :)

**I'm also posting this blog on myspace.