Save me from the nothing I've become

Overall, I’m doing much better than I was a couple of weeks ago. I think the last time I wrote a blog (other than the one I just posted about my vacation) was right before Krystal met me in Arkansas. We had an ok weekend together. It wasn’t quite the exciting, fun weekend I was anticipating because she and I were both dealing with a lot of stuff and kind of shut ourselves off from each other, but we still had fun. After that we drove back to Louisiana for me to visit her chapter. It was awful. The visit with her chapter wasn’t really what was bad, though there was a pumpkin pass that was rather emotional; it was more me that was awful. I’m not normally a depressed person but I had been for a little while (hence the not so stellar weekend in Arkansas) and being there was just making it worse for me. I felt like I was completely worthless. It’s been quite a while since I was that depressed (over a year) and it was really difficult for me to deal with, especially since I didn’t have anyone around that I could talk to. The only friend I had was Krystal and, like I said, she had a lot of her own stuff that she was dealing with so I just felt very alone. I ended up just breaking down on their couch one morning. It was awful. I didn’t want any of them to see me like that but I didn’t really have anywhere to go hide. Whitney did do a really good job of trying to make sure I had fun while I was there we had some good talks sharing a room together. The last day of my visit was also fun (after my breakdown was over) and I was able to get my mind off of things for a while. Krystal and I went to the zoo with a few of the other chapter sisters, then to dinner, a movie and a gay bar. While that night still didn’t end quite the way it was planned, it ended rather interestingly!

 My vacation was really good and just what I needed. It felt so good to be surrounded by people that care about me. Getting to see my friends was so great. So many people seemed genuinely excited to seem me; it was kind of overwhelming, but in a very good way! And it was so good to see my nephews! That may have been my favorite part. Jake is starting to talk and Ryan just smiles all the time. I love those boys so much. It was nice getting to hang out with Mike and Sandy too. While conversations with them were sometimes very stressful, it was still nice getting to spend time with them. I’d really missed them, especially Uncle Mike since we don’t really talk that often.

 My first visit back from my vacation was to Rogers State, the colony that I’m working with at the moment. They are really sweet girls but stress me out a little because I just don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing with them. Amber assumes that because I was part of a colony that I remember how it’s all supposed to work, and that’s just not true. Plus one of their girls is in jail at the moment and none of the girls in the colony know and are all worried because they can’t get a hold of her. That was hard for me knowing about it and not being able to answer their questions.

 I’m also a little sad at the moment. Not sad like I was two weeks ago, thank goodness, but just a little sad. Amber is visiting my two favorite chapters this week (Psi Psi and Beta Theta) and I’m feeling a bit insecure about it at the moment. Amber had a visit scheduled for Psi Psi from the beginning so I know she’s not going because I’m doing a bad job with them, but I still kind of feel that way. And I’m worried that they’re all going to like her better than me. And I know she’s going to Beta Theta to assess the situation and try and see where we need to go from here with them, but I still feel like she’s going to get to these chapters and see what I’ve done with them and think it’s nothing. I called Christy just to chat about how I was feeling and she was like “Well, it’s not like we’re going to fire you. Amber is going to come back with some good advice for you to be able to use and more forward with”. Oh, I wasn’t thinking that you were going to fire me or that I was doing a bad job, but now I am. Sigh.

 So I’m feeling a little insecure about my job at the moment. Sometimes I think that I’m doing a really good job and then other days I think I have no idea what I’m doing and am convinced that I’m doing a terrible job. Today is one of those days that I’m sure I’m an awful LC. There are some things that I just don’t know and I feel like I should. And I don’t know how to deal with discipline issues very well. I’m good with chapter operations and recruitment, not discipline and respect issues.

 Even though I have no idea what I’m doing, I’m really excited about the chapter that I’m visiting at the moment. I was a little unsure at first though. The girls came and picked me up in the tiniest car that you can imagine. It’s a Scion and it’s like the size of a mini cooper. There was barely enough room for me and my stuff. The girls that picked me up were really sweet though. We stopped and took pictures of some lamas and of this random totem pole that we saw on our drive back. We also went out to dinner at a specialty pizza place which is pretty much my favorite kind of restaurant. I didn’t really like the pizza we got (it was like chicken casserole on top of pizza crust and I don’t really like chicken on my pizza) but the appetizer was this spinach, mozzarella and artichoke heart wrap. TO DIE FOR!!! While at dinner I found out that the chapter has had to deal with some pretty rough stuff so far this semester. They had to terminate a girl who was doing drugs and providing drugs to another girl in the chapter. The girl she was providing drugs to is no longer at school because she tried to commit suicide a few times. The chapter girls used to have to have girls volunteer to sleep with her to make sure that she didn’t do anything to hurt herself. They also had a new member who got raped shortly after recruitment. For them is just seems to be one thing right after another.

 The girls are all really sweet though. I don’t think any of them is bigger than a size 6 which makes me feel a little insecure but they’re all a lot of fun and I think I’m going to like staying here. For my living arrangements, I’m staying in a dorm room. A few of their dorms are set up so it’s all Greeks living in them. In our building, it’s Sigma Sigma Sigma on the first floor, Delta Zeta on the second floor and Alpha Sigma Alpha on the third floor. You have to have a key to get into the floor you live on and the halls are all painted cute. They have a lounge that’s adorable and a little library too. It’s fantastic and I wish that Schreiner had had something like this for us! Maybe one day, since they won’t let us have houses, they’ll let us have dorms. Like Trull could be the sorority dorm. ASA on one side and DPhiE on the other… I don’t know how many upper classmen would want to live there though if they could live in the apartments.

 On Saturday I am going to a wedding with the girls. An Alpha Sig (I’m not sure if she’s still active in the chapter or if she’s an alum) is getting married and said that I am more than welcome to come to the wedding too. I love weddings! Then on Monday they’re having a date party with one of the fraternities (Lambda Chi Alpha). It’s a costume party and they’re all getting randomly paired with a guy as their date and they’re arranging it so I get paired with a date too. How freaking awesome is that!?! I’m so excited. The girls in this chapter are all super gorgeous and super sweet though so hopefully I don’t feel inadequate… I need to work on my self-esteem a bit. In a little while we’re having a movie night in the chapter room. We’re watching Don’t Mess with the Zohan. I really wanted to see that so I’m excited about that as well. So basically I’m feeling inadequate on multiple levels while also feeling happy and excited. I’d still rather feel like this than the way I was feeling a couple of weeks ago.

 During my vacation I got to talk with a friend who my relationship with had been damaged and I feel like we really ironed out some things that we’d been dealing with with each other and that was really nice. I hope that we’re able to really move forward and put everything behind us and go back to being good friends. I’ve missed her so much!! I’m also a little sad because I kind of feel like I’ve lost a friend over the last couple of weeks. I know that she’s got a lot going on in her life and seems to be pushing everyone away at the moment, but I really miss her. I miss talking to her and I wish that there was some way that I could help her. I don’t want to force her to talk to me and be my friend but I want her to really know that she can always count on me if she needs me. It’s hard to balance giving someone space while also trying to let them know that you’re there for them.

What I did on my vacation!

This blog is all about my vacation and my next blog is going to be more about me and my life before and after it. 

 I got to Austin on Sunday morning and spent a good 4 hours that day finishing up on some work that needed to get done. Then Danny and Lisa came over with the boys and we all had dinner together. It was really nice getting to spend time with all of them!! Shortly after that Miss Hannah-pants got to town!! Yay!! She and I sat and chatted for a while then we got all dolled up and went down to 6^th street to a Sock Hop with Lynn. Can I tell you how freaking amazing/fun that was!! Hannah presented her ID to the guy at the door and he looked at it and marked her as over 21 when it clearly says her birthday wasn’t for another 8 days. We were stoked so we all got drinks!

 I was really excited about the night because Hannah and Lynn are two of my favorite people ever and I knew that we were going to have a great time! Plus the Sock Hop itself was incredible! I haven’t been to one since I was in like 6^th grade and it was fantastic. They played all the best music from the 50s and 60s and we danced for hours! We got there at 10 and stayed until 12:30 or so. We had a blast! There was also a deaf guy that was hitting on Hannah. At first we didn’t know that he was deaf and we just thought that he was kind of creepy, but once we figured it out Lynn stated talking to him with what little sign language she knew and we had a fun little convo with him. When we decided that we wanted to leave she tried to tell him that I was tired but she didn’t say it right and he thought she was saying that I was homeless. It was hilarious!

 Monday Hannah and I babysat my nephews all day and just kind of sat around enjoying being friends. We also went and got my car inspected, browsed Half Price Books (I love book stores!) and hit the mall for a while. We are definite dorks and bought matching shirts and definitely wore them on the same day while I was in Kerrville. Hannah left Monday evening. Mike and Sandy and I had sushi for dinner (yum!) and then we watched the Sex and the City movie (that makes the 4th time I’ve seen it. So good).

 Tuesday I had to babysit my nephews some more (not that I minded!) and also get some stuff taken care of with my student loans. Not so fun. That night Steven and I went out and got wings for dinner, hung out at his house with his mom for a while and then went and saw Quarantine. That was my second time seeing that movie and it was still just as scary the second time as it was the first time! I felt kind of bad because I wasn’t quite myself while we were hanging out. I was still transitioning from being on the road to being back in my element and was also still dealing with the things that had been bothering me the last couple of weeks.

 Wednesday I hung out with my nephews some more during the day and then left for Kerrville that afternoon. My original plan wasn’t to go to Kerrville until Thursday, but Hannah, Elaine and I decided that we wanted to have a secret wine and cheese night that night, so I left early. Before we had our wine and cheese night we all went to this Alcohol Awareness thing that was going on on-campus. No one but the two of them knew that I was coming into town that day so everyone else was shocked to see me. Shocked in a good way, like running up to me and practically tackling me with a giant hug. It was incredible! People that I didn’t think would care at all that I was back in town were screaming with joy (or at least what appeared to be joy). It was amazing and just the kind of welcome that I needed to help pull me out of my super-sad funk. 

 Later that night the three of us had a nice wine and cheese night and Allison and Cody even came a joined us. It was splendid! Thursday is when Hannah and I wore our matching shirts. It was fantastic. We just kind of hung out on campus all day and ate in the diner and stuff. It was really nice and felt good to be (temporarily) back. A lot has changed in the short time that I've been away. I was kind of shocked. That night Hannah, Ginny and I had dinner at Allison’s and then Hannah dropped me off at The Hole. Aaahhhhh, The Hole!! :) It was Elaine, Emily, Sarah, Becca, Crystal, Evan and Blake. We had a good time. 

There was this weird guy that was hitting on me so Blake and I were pretending that we were a couple to try and deter him. It didn't work so well. While Blake was in the bathroom Becca even pretended to be my girlfriend and that didn't seem to have an affect on him either! After a few hours we all decided that we were done at the bar so we went back to Sarah and Jessa’s place at Winwood to make some mac n cheese and get in the hot tub. Some more guys came over, one of whom was turning 21 that night. It was a lot of fun! 

 Friday Becca and I went to coffee and chatted about all kinds of things. It was nice and refreshing and I was really glad that she and I got to spend some time together just us! Then that afternoon I went to an all Greek lunch that was really just Blake and 5 Alpha Sigs and then to the soccer game for a while with Samantha and Katelyn (random, right?). Hannah stole me away from that and we went and shared milkshakes at Spirit Wind Java.

 Friday night for dinner we ordered some pizzas with Kathleen, Crystal and Emily. It was quite the random little group and rather enjoyable. Then Hannah and I watched Charlie Bartlett before we went over to Becca and Crystal’s to get ready for Jacqueline’s birthday party. This is a party that I was NOT invited to and Juan and Jac were NOT excited that I was going to be coming. Becca stuck up for me though and was like “She only in town this weekend and all her friends are invited. What do you expect her to do, just sit at home?” Evan also had my back. Jac asked Even way back when if they could have it at his house. When the issue of me coming arose he told her that he’s friends with me and he wanted me there and since the party was at his place that she would just have to deal with it. Sweet huh? I thought so. It was so awkward though!!! I loved it. Half of the people there blatantly ignored me and looking at pictures from the party on facebook, you wouldn’t even know I was there. Well, you can see half of me in one of them. It was nuts! Hannah, Ginny and I left early and went back to Winwood to hang out with Emily, Sarah, Jessa, Wes Creech and Blake. 

 Saturday my plan was to get up and leave around 12, but Hannah, Becca, Sarah, Emily, Allison and I went to Spirit Wind Java for lunch and I didn’t end up leaving town until like 1:30. It was so worth it getting to spend time with all of them though. It was fantastic! Once I got home I spent the rest of the night packing and chatting with Mike and Sandy. Tess came over for a while too and it was so good to see her!! 

Better late than never

Friday, October 03, 2008

I am so miserable right now. I’m sitting in the Atlanta airport and I feel like crap. I feel sick to my stomach and I’m in such a bad mood today. I woke up slightly grumpy and things just keep happening to make me feel worse. I almost missed my plane this afternoon. The girls asked me what time I thought we should leave for the airport and I said we should leave town around 12. They didn’t even get to my room to pick me up until 12:20 and then we stopped at BK to get food. My flight was scheduled to depart at 2:00 and we didn’t get to the airport until 1:30. I walked into the airport that luckily is tiny and only has one plane departing at a time. The guy at the check in desk told me to hurry because I only had 2 minutes left to check in. He asked me for my last name to check me in and then told me that I wasn’t in the system. Are you kidding me? He looked for several minutes and kept looking at me like I was an idiot and was probably at the wrong airport. There’s only one freaking airport in the area! I know I’m at the right one, on the right day! I had to pull out my flipping lap top to look up my itinerary to give him my confirmation number. Then he goes, “Oh, are you Christy?” Yes, I’m Christy. He get’s me all checked in and checks my bags (which he thankfully does not weigh). Then he tells me that my boarding passes won’t print. Well shit. I can’t board the plane without my boarding passes. It takes several minutes to get this all worked out, then it takes FOREVER to get through security. Really? This is a tiny effing airport. They only get two flights in and out all day; one at 2 and one at 8:30. At this point I’m starting to feel sick so not only am I irritated that I almost missed my flight but I also physically feel like shit now. Ugh. I just want a nap. In a bed. But that’s not going to happen. For me to go from Alabama to Arkansas I have to first fly from Mississippi to Atlanta and to Dallas then to Little Rock, so I’m going to be in airports all freaking day. I don’t land in Arkansas until 10:45 tonight. I hope these girls don’t want to talk in the car or hang out when we get there. I just want to go to bed. I’m really looking forward to tomorrow.

 I promise this blog isn’t going to be me bitching the whole time, but I do have one more negative point to make. I got assigned an LC buddy (not the one I wanted, of course) and she sent me a little care package this week. Totally sweet, except this girl (just like everyone else in the world) doesn’t know my effing name and everything is addressed to Chastity. I fucking hate that name. I would rather be called Christy, or Crystal, or Chelsea than Chastity. I also hate Charity. What I do like to be called is CHASITY. Go figure.

 I was talking to Hannah the other day and we were trying to figure out why I’m so down lately. It’s not all the time. Luckily I’m easily distracted so I’m usually ok during the day. It’s in the evenings when I’m all alone that I get sad. Really sad. And upset. It’s gross. I was thinking about it the other day and trying to figure out why I was SO happy during the summer and at the beginning of my travels and I think I got it figured out. I’m back to feeling the way that I did when I was in Kerrville. The reason I was feeling so happy the last few months is because I was on vacation then. It wasn’t a real vacation but a vacation in my mind. I was so excited to be starting something new and I kept talking about how I felt like I was taking a vacation from my real life, and I am. Along with this life-vacation came an emotional vacation. Unfortunately, vacations always come to an end. While I’m still able to keep hiding from the real world for a few more months, I’m no longer able to hide from myself. Damn.

 The honeymoon period of this job is over. I still love it and I enjoy what I do, but it’s really starting to take a toll on me. I am so happy that my vacation is coming up. I really need a break. I need to take a week off and just be and have nothing to think about. Except I know that’s not really going to happen. I know that when I get home Sandy is going to have things for me to think about and I just don’t want to. She’s also going to make me feel guilty for wanting to spend so much time with my friends. It’s not that I don’t want to spend time with my family, because I definitely do!! I miss them a lot. But I wish she would realize how important my friends are to me too. These are the people that were constantly in my life for the last 4 years, day in and day out. And there are a lot of them, so it’s going to take some time to be able to see them all. I only have a week and that’s really not enough time to fit in everyone that I’ve been missing for the last 3 and a half months. I feel like I’m being pulled in a million different directions and I just want to sit still.

 The chapter that I was at this past week (Zeta Rho at University of West Alabama) set me up to stay in a house while I was there. This is the house that important people who visit the university get to stay in, so it was really nice. I realized that even though I like getting to stay in houses and apartments by myself because it gives me more room to spread out, I would much rather be staying with the chapter. When I stay by myself I don’t get to really connect with the chapter and I don’t enjoy my stay as much. My favorite visits so far have been to Psi Psi and Beta Theta. I got to really spend time with these girls, make connections with them and feel like I was really helping the chapter and I had fun with them too. I’m really glad that I get to go back to both of these chapters again. I’m going to be back at Psi Psi in less than a week and I’m going back to Beta Theta next semester. I hope I get to go back to Psi Psi next semester too, but they’re really kicking ass at the moment, so it might not be needed. The next chapter I’m going to (Beta Mu at Henderson University in Arkadelphia, AR) has me set up to stay in a dorm, which would normally mean that I’m headed for another lonely week. However, Krystal is meeting me in Arkansas tomorrow and will be staying with me so I shall not be lonely at all.

 I have some pictures that I’m going to add soon. Some from pref night at Beta Theta and some from me with Zeta Rho. I got to go to their Mr. Fantasy Girl pageant last night, which is a beauty pageant for guys that raises money for the Special Olympics. It was a ton of fun and I got some good pictures out of it too. And the chapter raised $815 for the Special Olympics. Shit, I forgot to take pictures of the huge ass house that I was staying in this week. Oh well. Take my word for it. It was huge and really nice. The only thing that was not so nice is the fact that there is a little apartment in the basement of the house for the house manager and I definitely had to listen to him and his girlfriend having sex one night.