Overall, I’m doing much better than I was a couple of weeks ago. I think the last time I wrote a blog (other than the one I just posted about my vacation) was right before Krystal met me in Arkansas. We had an ok weekend together. It wasn’t quite the exciting, fun weekend I was anticipating because she and I were both dealing with a lot of stuff and kind of shut ourselves off from each other, but we still had fun. After that we drove back to Louisiana for me to visit her chapter. It was awful. The visit with her chapter wasn’t really what was bad, though there was a pumpkin pass that was rather emotional; it was more me that was awful. I’m not normally a depressed person but I had been for a little while (hence the not so stellar weekend in Arkansas) and being there was just making it worse for me. I felt like I was completely worthless. It’s been quite a while since I was that depressed (over a year) and it was really difficult for me to deal with, especially since I didn’t have anyone around that I could talk to. The only friend I had was Krystal and, like I said, she had a lot of her own stuff that she was dealing with so I just felt very alone. I ended up just breaking down on their couch one morning. It was awful. I didn’t want any of them to see me like that but I didn’t really have anywhere to go hide. Whitney did do a really good job of trying to make sure I had fun while I was there we had some good talks sharing a room together. The last day of my visit was also fun (after my breakdown was over) and I was able to get my mind off of things for a while. Krystal and I went to the zoo with a few of the other chapter sisters, then to dinner, a movie and a gay bar. While that night still didn’t end quite the way it was planned, it ended rather interestingly!
My vacation was really good and just what I needed. It felt so good to be surrounded by people that care about me. Getting to see my friends was so great. So many people seemed genuinely excited to seem me; it was kind of overwhelming, but in a very good way! And it was so good to see my nephews! That may have been my favorite part. Jake is starting to talk and Ryan just smiles all the time. I love those boys so much. It was nice getting to hang out with Mike and Sandy too. While conversations with them were sometimes very stressful, it was still nice getting to spend time with them. I’d really missed them, especially Uncle Mike since we don’t really talk that often.
My first visit back from my vacation was to Rogers State, the colony that I’m working with at the moment. They are really sweet girls but stress me out a little because I just don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing with them. Amber assumes that because I was part of a colony that I remember how it’s all supposed to work, and that’s just not true. Plus one of their girls is in jail at the moment and none of the girls in the colony know and are all worried because they can’t get a hold of her. That was hard for me knowing about it and not being able to answer their questions.
I’m also a little sad at the moment. Not sad like I was two weeks ago, thank goodness, but just a little sad. Amber is visiting my two favorite chapters this week (Psi Psi and Beta Theta) and I’m feeling a bit insecure about it at the moment. Amber had a visit scheduled for Psi Psi from the beginning so I know she’s not going because I’m doing a bad job with them, but I still kind of feel that way. And I’m worried that they’re all going to like her better than me. And I know she’s going to Beta Theta to assess the situation and try and see where we need to go from here with them, but I still feel like she’s going to get to these chapters and see what I’ve done with them and think it’s nothing. I called Christy just to chat about how I was feeling and she was like “Well, it’s not like we’re going to fire you. Amber is going to come back with some good advice for you to be able to use and more forward with”. Oh, I wasn’t thinking that you were going to fire me or that I was doing a bad job, but now I am. Sigh.
So I’m feeling a little insecure about my job at the moment. Sometimes I think that I’m doing a really good job and then other days I think I have no idea what I’m doing and am convinced that I’m doing a terrible job. Today is one of those days that I’m sure I’m an awful LC. There are some things that I just don’t know and I feel like I should. And I don’t know how to deal with discipline issues very well. I’m good with chapter operations and recruitment, not discipline and respect issues.
Even though I have no idea what I’m doing, I’m really excited about the chapter that I’m visiting at the moment. I was a little unsure at first though. The girls came and picked me up in the tiniest car that you can imagine. It’s a Scion and it’s like the size of a mini cooper. There was barely enough room for me and my stuff. The girls that picked me up were really sweet though. We stopped and took pictures of some lamas and of this random totem pole that we saw on our drive back. We also went out to dinner at a specialty pizza place which is pretty much my favorite kind of restaurant. I didn’t really like the pizza we got (it was like chicken casserole on top of pizza crust and I don’t really like chicken on my pizza) but the appetizer was this spinach, mozzarella and artichoke heart wrap. TO DIE FOR!!! While at dinner I found out that the chapter has had to deal with some pretty rough stuff so far this semester. They had to terminate a girl who was doing drugs and providing drugs to another girl in the chapter. The girl she was providing drugs to is no longer at school because she tried to commit suicide a few times. The chapter girls used to have to have girls volunteer to sleep with her to make sure that she didn’t do anything to hurt herself. They also had a new member who got raped shortly after recruitment. For them is just seems to be one thing right after another.
The girls are all really sweet though. I don’t think any of them is bigger than a size 6 which makes me feel a little insecure but they’re all a lot of fun and I think I’m going to like staying here. For my living arrangements, I’m staying in a dorm room. A few of their dorms are set up so it’s all Greeks living in them. In our building, it’s Sigma Sigma Sigma on the first floor, Delta Zeta on the second floor and Alpha Sigma Alpha on the third floor. You have to have a key to get into the floor you live on and the halls are all painted cute. They have a lounge that’s adorable and a little library too. It’s fantastic and I wish that Schreiner had had something like this for us! Maybe one day, since they won’t let us have houses, they’ll let us have dorms. Like Trull could be the sorority dorm. ASA on one side and DPhiE on the other… I don’t know how many upper classmen would want to live there though if they could live in the apartments.
On Saturday I am going to a wedding with the girls. An Alpha Sig (I’m not sure if she’s still active in the chapter or if she’s an alum) is getting married and said that I am more than welcome to come to the wedding too. I love weddings! Then on Monday they’re having a date party with one of the fraternities (Lambda Chi Alpha). It’s a costume party and they’re all getting randomly paired with a guy as their date and they’re arranging it so I get paired with a date too. How freaking awesome is that!?! I’m so excited. The girls in this chapter are all super gorgeous and super sweet though so hopefully I don’t feel inadequate… I need to work on my self-esteem a bit. In a little while we’re having a movie night in the chapter room. We’re watching Don’t Mess with the Zohan. I really wanted to see that so I’m excited about that as well. So basically I’m feeling inadequate on multiple levels while also feeling happy and excited. I’d still rather feel like this than the way I was feeling a couple of weeks ago.
During my vacation I got to talk with a friend who my relationship with had been damaged and I feel like we really ironed out some things that we’d been dealing with with each other and that was really nice. I hope that we’re able to really move forward and put everything behind us and go back to being good friends. I’ve missed her so much!! I’m also a little sad because I kind of feel like I’ve lost a friend over the last couple of weeks. I know that she’s got a lot going on in her life and seems to be pushing everyone away at the moment, but I really miss her. I miss talking to her and I wish that there was some way that I could help her. I don’t want to force her to talk to me and be my friend but I want her to really know that she can always count on me if she needs me. It’s hard to balance giving someone space while also trying to let them know that you’re there for them.
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