Sorting it all out

I'm a little stressed right now. I am going to quickly list all of the reasons that I'm stressed and see if that helps make me feel better. 

1. I'm still not finished with my Theta Eta report. It's not due until next Monday but I'm usually finished by today and so it's stressing me out that I'm not. I'm not sure if I'll get to finish it tomorrow either. 

2. I still have to do a write up about Theta Eta's installation for the Phoenix magazine. Not looking forward to that. 

3. I have a really busy schedule this week with meetings which doesn't leave time for 1 or 2

4. I've already worked 71 out of my 80 hours this pay period and it's only the end of Tuesday. I'm "not allowed" to go over 80 hours nor am I allowed to tell the chapter that I've worked too much this week and cancel my meetings or not do my reports. 

5. Once I finish 1 and 2 amid my number 3 while ignoring 4 I also have to prepare for my visit to Zeta Pi next week because they are A MESS. 

6. I only read one book last week. While that is still better than most people do, it bothers me. 

7. I haven't written a good blog in a while and I have a lot to write about but not enough time to commit to writing it

8. I'm behind on my emails to John and Hannah

9. I need to do my taxes. 

10. I can't stop thinking about food

11. I need to start figuring out what I want to do overseas/where I want to go 

12. I'm broke. I have a zillion things to pay for and I can afford them all but that doesn't allow me much money left over to be saving for a car or to move to another country

13. My coat is really dirty and I need to get it dry cleaned but it's too cold for me to be without it for a few days

14. I feel guilty about what I want to do with my life, like it's not good enough

So most of my stress is caused by not having enough time in the day. Yes, I could stay up tonight and finish my report but since I get paid minimum wage and am not able to have a personal life while I have this job, I like to allow my self a couple of hours a day (seriously, sometimes it's just 2) to do something I like to do (like read or return emails). I'm enjoying this semester a lot more and I think I'm doing a better job with the chapter, but I'm starting to get stressed. I'm going to do what I can to keep it from getting too bad so that I don't get depressed or start resenting my job. 

I hate small talk. I think it's because 85% of conversations that I have are small talk about me. I'm so fucking tired of talking about myself that I want to puke. All I talk about is what it's like to be an LC, how I got the job, what my major was in college, what I want to do after this, how I'm liking the town I'm in, where I go next, if I've seen any cool places, what positions I held in my chapter, blah blah blah. I promise you I had AT LEAST 6 conversations today that consisted of nothing but those questions, and 5 of them were in the same 1 hour time period! The chapter had a recruitment event tonight and it turned into a little dance party. I was standing in the corner watching the girls and really enjoying myself. I guess girls thought that because I was standing in the corner alone that someone should come and talk to me. Ugh. I didn't want to talk, I just wanted to watch them being silly and laugh at them. But one by one they came over and talked to me. I know they're just trying to be friendly and they can't think of anything else to talk about so they ask me questions about myself so I don't blame them at all. However, that does not make it any less annoying. It's like when a baby throws up on you. Can't get mad at the baby but it's still gross. 

I want to keep writing because I have a lot of things that I want to talk about, but I also want to read my book. Usually I would just do both but I also want to get 8 hours of sleep tonight because I want to get up early so I can get some work done before my conference call at 9am and not be too tired for the rest of my meetings. I desperately need a vacation. Ha. Jules asked me the other day if I was going to be able to work at Cafe Monet over spring break. I won't be home over spring break, but even if I was there's no way. I love that job and I could use the money but this job wears me out so much that I seriously need a week to just do nothing and be brain dead. I really do like this job and am enjoying it, but I'm tired. Really tired. 

The light bulb came on

I feel like I just had an epiphany about my life. 

I have been stressing our for months now trying to figure out what I want to do with my life when I'm done with this job. I had pretty much decided that I was going to go ahead and get my teaching certificate and teach for a few years because that's what makes the most sense. Deep down I wasn't really happy with this decision but I couldn't figure out why. I knew I didn't want teach. It's not that I don't like the idea of being a teaching because I do, but there was just something about it that wasn't sitting right with me. 

A little background for my epiphany: Last night I posted a note on Facebook that listed 25 thing about me that people night not know. I mentioned some people in it and tagged them. Lyndsey, a girl I work with at Cafe Monet was one of them. She read my note and decided to write one herself. I read it and commented on it. Two of the things she mentioned in her note were 1. that she really wants to run a marathon and 2. she really wants to go live in another country for 18 months or so. The comment I left her said "OK Lyndsey, let's do it. Let's train for a marathon for like a year from now and then once we've accomplished it, let's pick a country and go live/teach there for 18 months. I'm not even kidding. " Once I posted the comment I immediately realized why I'm not ok with getting my teaching certificate and teaching.

It's not that I don't want to teach but it's just that I don't want to teach RIGHT NOW. If I get my teaching certificate and start teaching in order to get my loans paid back then that's a big commitment. I'd have to pick a school district and be there for 3-5 years. I don't want to do that. I don't want to make that kind of commitment at this point in my life. All of the avenues I've been looking into are things that would commitment to something big for several years. I'm still young and I want more freedom in my life than that!

I do know that I want to spend the next year or so in Austin. This job has taken it's toll on me and I'm ready to be surrounded by friends and family and be some place familiar for a while. So when I thought about the comment I left Lyndsey I realized that's exactly the kind of thing that I want to do with my life. I want to settle back down temporarily and then and go do something else. Now is the time in my life that it's going to be easiest for me to pick up and move to another country or even just another state. I want to be experiencing things with my life and making the most of it and I just don't feel like I'd be doing that if I were to start some kind of career right now.

I feel so much better now that I've realized this. I couldn't figure out what I wasn't excited about my future. I liked all of the ideas that I was coming up with but none of them seemed right or made me excited for right now. I kept thinking "Sure, that's something I'd love to be doing with my life 10 years from now" but I couldn't figure out what I want to be doing right now.

Right now I want to finish my job as a Leadership Consultant and make the most of the time I have left doing it. I want to do my best with each chapter that I'm working with and really soak up the experience. Then I want to take a break. This "break" means me getting a job, saving money and making plans for the next step in my life. I feel like me taking steps to start a career right now would be the same as me getting married right now -- it's a big commitment that I'm just not ready for.

When I was writing blogs this summer they had a common theme of me wanting the travel and really experience things. For a while I thought that I'd changed my mind about that and it made me sad. It turns out I still really want all of those things but I'm just not ready for them. I have no money and I'm homesick. I need to go home for a while, get my family/friends fix and save some money. I want my life to be something that I look back on and don't regret. I want to have stories to tell my kids that inspire them and make them want to make the most of themselves. I don't feel like I'd be being true to myself if I were to settle down and get a "real" job right now. I feel like I'd really be settling and wasting my life. Some people may see me deciding to spend the next year in Austin and getting a temporary job as a waste of time but I don't see it like that at all.

I don't think I can make you all understand how I feel right now. It's like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders! I have been so stressed out about my future and quite honestly not looking forward to it at all. I kind of saw it as a black hole in space and or like a sinkhole in a swamp. I kept thinking that if I wanted to travel or do something with interesting with my life that I had to do it right away or I had to start grad school or get a real job instead. Why? What's the rush?

Well, I do have a ton of student loans that I need to pay back and that is quite a burden. But I would rather put them off for a while to pursue something really meaningful to me and deal with the interest that I'm going to be accumulating in the process. I already owe so much money that a couple thousand dollars really seems worth it to me -- worth the experiences that I'll be getting.

I do have some ideas for what I want to do with my time while I'm in Austin but I want to think about those some more before I share them. I want to really look into my options and have some knowledge about them before I get my hopes up about any one thing (I do kind of like the idea of training for a marathon though!). And once I figure out what I'm going to be doing for the next year or so then I will start making plans for my next big life adventure. I'm so excited!!! :)

**I'm also posting this blog on myspace.

My life

My life now consists of reading. All the time. I want to keep a list of all the books I've read in 2009 so I can look back later and be impressed by myself. You all may not care about this (which I'm ok with) or you may see it as a list of recommended reading material. I'm going to list the book, who it's by, the date I finished it on and how good it was (1 = I had to force myself to finish it. 2 = Not awful/fairly enjoyable. 3 = It was pretty good and I enjoyed it. 4 = It was really good. 5 = AMAZING). There are a few books I started to read but they didn't make the list because I couldn't bring myself to finish them. All who are wondering, rest assured that I am still doing my job and I believe that I'm actually doing it better this semester than I was last semester. I've found myself a nice balance.

1. Twilight by Stephanie Meyer -- 1/2/09 (5)
2. New Moon by Stephanie Meyer -- 1/4/09 (5)
3. Eclipse by Stephanie Meyer -- 1/7/09 (4.5)
4. Breaking Dawn by Stephanie Meyer -- 1/11/09 (4.5)
5. The Host by Stephanie Meyer -- 1/14/09 (4)
6. The Secret Between Us by Barbara Delinski -- 1/17/09 (1.5)
7. Beach Road by James Patterson -- 1/21/09 (3.5)
8. This Charming Man by Marian Keyes -- 1/24/09 (4)
9. Deception Point by Dan Brown -- 1/28/09 (3)
10. Mind Game by Christine Feehan -- 1/31/09 (4)

11. Asking for Trouble by Elizabeth Young -- 2/8/09 (3.5)

12. All the Pretty Girls by J.T. Ellison -- 2/17/2009 (4)

13. The Long Walk by Stephen King (as Richard Bachman) -- 2/20/2009 (3.5)

14. Shadow Game by Christine Feehan -- 2/26/2009 (3.5)

15. Die Before I Wake by Laurie Breton -- 2/28/2009 (4) 

16. Marley and Me by John Grogan -- 3/3/2009 (3)

17. Somebody Else's Daughter by Elizabeth Brundage -- 3/9/2009 (4.5)

18. Sense and Sensibility by Jane Austen -- 3/21/2009 (3)

19. 14 by J.T. Ellison -- 3/25/2009 (3.5)

20. The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand -- 3/30/2009 (5)

Here I sit, in the grass, with my friend...

I always hate when it’s been a while since I’ve written a blog. It makes me feel like I have to summarize everything that’s happened in my life since the last blog that I wrote, which I don’t want to do. I’m usually inspired to write a blog again after a long intermission because of something new that’s currently going on in my life or some new thought that’s occurred to me and I’d rather focus on it than events of the past. There was something that inspired me to want to write a blog the other day but I never got around to doing it and now I don’t remember what it was.

Tonight I went to this lecture/documentary viewing on Meth with some of the girls in the colony that I’m visiting. I don’t think I really learned anything new but being there, hearing stories and seeing people who are in recovery really struck me. I think part of why it struck me could be because of the conversation that I had with my mom on Christmas and the reaction that I had to it. I’m still struggling with that and I’m also struggling with what I want to do with my life. Hearing some of these women (one of who kind of reminded me of my mom) talk about their struggles and how now they’re helping other women who are struggling with breaking their addictions made me think about rehabilitation. Two summers ago I had a friend who was participating in an out patient rehab and hearing her talk about it made me really think about working with addicts and consider it as a job possibility. Since I tend to change my mind about what I want to do every month or so I quickly changed my mind and haven’t thought much about it since then.

Tonight made me really consider it again. It’s something that I feel strongly about, I know how addictions affect people and those around them and it’s something that always captured my interest in class and I always paid close attention to so I even understand the biological basis of most of it. Thinking about this reminded me of the interest that I had in working at the Hill Country Youth Ranch in Kerrville. That’s a place for troubled youth to live and some of them even attend school there. “Troubled” means that they were removed from their homes because of the lives that their parents were living, not because of some disturbance that they caused themselves. When I was still an education major I took a children’s literature class and a few kids from the Hill Country Youth Ranch came and spoke to us and read some things that they’d written. That’s how I first found out about this place and became interested in it. One of the adults that came with them told us that they have a school on site and are always looking for certified teachers. Then, a few months later, when I was working at HEB some of the “foster parents” that live there came through my line buying groceries for their group of kids for the week.

So, once again, I am conflicted about what I want to do with me life. I’m now considering teaching (maybe at a preschool, a normal school, a place like the HCYR, a head start program…), being a counselor or live in “foster parent” at a place like the HCYR, or being some kind rehabilitation counselor (maybe for youth, maybe for adults). I don’t know. I really wish there were some kind of magic ball I could look into and see my future so I’d know I was making the right choice. I know that I can always change my mind later in life but I just can’t decide what to start with. I hate feeling conflicted like this. I feel like I keep saying the same thing over and over (“I just can’t make up my mind… I don’t know what I want to do”). It’s getting old.

I’m back on the road again and I’m pretty ok with it. I thought I was going to dread and be slightly miserable, but I’m not. I think I accepted that I have to get through these next 3 ½ months before I can get on with the rest of my life so I might as well try and make the best of them. I was anxious about meeting the two new LCs but that wasn’t so awful either. Nicole and I both really like one of them (Amy) and the three of us can not figure out how the other one (Laura) got hired. Not only is she horribly obnoxious and the three of us can’t stand to be in the same room as her for more than just a couple of minutes but she also seems to possess none of the necessary characteristics to be a good LC and all of the bad ones. Some of the things that came out of her mouth last week when we were all in the office lefts us speechless (“Oh, that’s hazing? My chapter does that all the time!”).

Right now I’m at Rogers State helping them plan for their Installation. I’ve never had the desire to be an event planner of any kind so I’m not really enjoying the task at hand. I am looking forward to the event itself though and the big sigh of relief I can let loose when they’re finally installed!! I’m also looking forward to some of my visits later in the semester. Not so much because of the chapters that I’m going to be visiting, but more because of the places those chapters are located (Colorado, Wisconsin, Pennsylvania…). I really need to start taking some definitely steps towards planning my future since my future starts in just a couple of months. I think I’m starting to feel the anxiety that most people feel as graduation gets closer. I was lucky to get to not feel it back then but it’s definitely catching up with me now. Sigh…

Incomplete

Here's a blog I started sometime last week and never finished. I don't want to finish it, but I wanted to post it anyway...

So, here I am back in Indy. I'm very indifferent about being back and about to hit the road again. Last semester was such a mix of emotions for me that I honestly have no expectations for this semester. I can see it easily taking a turn either way, so I'm just going to wait and see what happens and make the best of it. I think this semester will automatically be a little better because my expectations aren't so high and if it isn't great then I won't be as disappointed because I kind of half expect it already.


My Christmas break at home was nice. Things were VERY tense with Sandy and I for the first couple of weeks that I was home, but we worked it all out and ended up having a good time. It was really nice to be off the road for a while and feel a bit more in control of my life again. I lost 7 pounds to make a total of 11 since I started this job in July. That's pretty exciting for me. We'll see what happens with that the rest of the semester.


I got back to Indy yesterday. Nicole and I were actually on the same flight to Indy from Chicago, so that was fun. One of the new LCs was also on the flight with us, but she wasn't wearing letters so we didn't figure out which one she was until we were at baggage claim.