Finding my way around

Friday, July 11, 2008
Today was kind of a nothing day. We only had a half day at work, which was nice. I got to come home and finish that delicious pizza from last night and then I went to workout. I was at the gym for almost two hours. It was amazing! I felt like I needed to make up for the things that I ate the day before and not working out, so I did 30 minutes on the tread mill, 20 on an elliptical, 15 on the stair master and then 15 on a different kind of elliptical. I felt amazing when I was done. Then I came home, dyed my hair, ate dinner, finished a book, wrote some emails and just relaxed. I’m excited to not really have anything going on this weekend so I can just relax and take some time for myself. I am going to wedding dress shopping with Amber tomorrow afternoon and I think Sarah and I are hanging out at night. I’m looking forward to having the morning off though. I’m excited to sleep in a little, start my new book, make myself some lunch and work out before hanging out with people. I see people working out every day at the gym and most of them are reading magazines while they’re on these machines or listening to their iPods, but I really enjoy just working out and listening to whatever thoughts pop up. I like the time to myself.

I am so excited to be out of Kerrville and Texas and actually doing something interesting and unique after graduating rather than just going to grad school or getting a job like a lot of my classmates. Being an LC is going to be phenomenal and I'm so excited about it, but I want to travel on a bigger lever and do something like go to India as a missionary for a year. I've always wanted to experience other countries, but I don't know about just up and moving to one. Hannah and I are talking about doing that with Italy. What the hell are we going to do in Italy? I don't want to go to school in another country. If I do more school, I want it to be in America (I think, anyway). I have enough trouble dedicating myself to my school work with out having the distractions that come with being in another country (although, maybe being in another country would take my distractions away...). I just finished Eat, Pray, Love tonight and it of course makes me want to go to another country as well. I would love to go to Italy with Hannah, but I just don't see what we'd be doing there as anything significant or worthwhile. Also, do I really want to go with someone else? Yes, I do. But still I kinda don't. I want to experience it with someone else, and who better than Miss Hannah Pants, but at the same time I don't want someone else that I already know to hold me back from experiencing new things the way that I could if I was alone. I'm glad I’m doing this LC thing without anyone I know. It’s an adventure that I'm embarking on by myself. It makes me feel more independent and like I'm finally taking charge of my own life and it's really becoming mine. I definitely want to do this Italy thing with Hannah, but I just want to make sure that we really get the most out or our experience and that neither of us hinders the other from getting the full experience that we deserve.

I have always wanted to travel, but I've also always wanted to work with kids and be a mom!! God, I want to be a mom. And I've always wanted to be a young mom so my kid can relate to me more and I can be active with them, but I don't want to travel with kids. Well, eventually I'd love to show the world to my kids, but first I want to travel for me! I want to experience new things and grow as a woman on my own and learn all that I can before becoming a mom. And I want to work for ASA, maybe one day be on the National Council because it's something that's important to me. But how can I fit all of this into one life?? I feel like I have to find a place to fit it all in before I'm 35, and I realize that's silly. I have my whole life ahead of me still! But how am I going to fit working with kids, working for ASA, traveling, having kids, and traveling with kids all into one life? And where the hell do I fit in a husband?? I'm so lost at the moment with what I'm going to do next. But I'm not too concerned about it because I'm so happy with what I'm doing with my life right now. I guess whatever happens next will happen. But should I start thinking about taking the GRE and applying to grad schools? And where do I want to go to grad school? Do I really want to stay in Texas? I really don’t feel like there’s anything great about Texas except for Austin, and I don’t see my going to UT or St Eds. And do I want to go to grad school for kids or for psychology? Ugh. I'm lost.