Secret heart, what are you made of? What are you so afraid of?

Wednesday, July 23, 2008
I’ve decided that I’m going to go back to writing in my actual journal every night and then transferring it into blogs later. I did that for the first few days that I was in Indy and it turns out I like it better than just waiting until I have time to write one on the computer. It gives me a chance to reflect on my day while it’s still fresh in my mind and then go back and elaborate more when I have the time.

I like the relationship that Nicole and I have. We get along really well, but we don’t really talk and open up to each other about things. I like this with her; I think it fits us really well, but I hope that the new girl and I will be closer. When she gets here she’ll be sharing a room with me. I’m proud of myself for offering to let her stay in my room because I’m usually pretty selfish about things like that.

Today was Tess’s birthday and I got to talk to her on the phone for quite a while. It was really nice. We didn’t really have lots of things to tell each other, but we found lots to talk about. I really miss her and getting to hang out with her. I’m sad I didn’t get a chance to see her again this summer and that I probably won’t see her again until December.

I’m looking forward to going back to work tomorrow. I like having a little bit of a routine and feeling like I’m in control of my day. I went to the gym today weighed myself. I was pretty scared about doing this because the last time I weighed myself was two weeks ago and I was nervous that I’d gained weight while I was at convention. I was surprised (and rather pleased) to see that I was actually a pound lighter. I know that one pound in two weeks isn’t a lot, but I was just excited to see that I’d made any progress at all rather than backtracking. I had a really great time at convention, but that’s another reason that I’m glad to be back -- I more in control of what I eat and when I get to workout. Nicole and I might be going out tomorrow night, so I’m going to try and get up early in the morning and workout before I go to the office.

Thursday, July 24, 2008
I went out tonight. It was Nicole and I meeting up with a few of the local Greeks. We were nervous because we didn’t really know them, but shortly after we showed up some other girls from work did too, so that was good. I’d like to say that I had a GREAT time. It was ok. It reminded me of Kerrville a bit. Me sitting by while my roommate gets hit on by a bunch of cute boys. Except in Kerrville I have other friends that I can turn to in order to distract me and I didn’t really have that tonight. So I sat quietly, smiled a lot and drank my drinks. I tried to engage in conversations with people, but it was Karaoke night and we were sitting right in front, so it was kind of hard to hear people. And we all know that I don’t have the best hearing as it is, so eventually I just gave up. I’m really happy being single, but I really wouldn’t mind a little attention from guys. I am still a single, straight girl. This is where turning my journal into a blog becomes hard for me. I have a lot of thoughts going through my head, but do I really want to share them with whoever reads this? Nope. So instead I’ll just backtrack a bit and talk about my day before going out to do Karaoke.

Nicole and I met with Jessica today. She is one of the authors of I Heart Recruitment. She was super nice and fun and I learned a lot from her (she was also at the bar with us later, which was fun!). I took lots of notes that will help me on the road and I’m also excited about sharing all of this with Elaine. We did a lot of training today. We talked about where we’re going to be traveling to our first 5 weeks on the road (which I’ve already posted on here) and I’m really excited about it. I’m nervous, but excited and optimistic. We talked about how we’re going to go out and meet girls and get them interested in starting a chapter at Clayton State in GA. I met with Amber for a while and we talked about Psi Psi and the things that they’re struggling with and how we’re basically going to be treating them like a new colony. It’s a little overwhelming, but I’m sure it will seem less so as I get more training.

I knew that we were going to be going out tonight so I got up and went to the gym before work today to make sure that I got my workout in. When we got home from work I still felt kind of lazy and gross so I went for an hour long walk while I talked to Elaine on the phone. It was really nice getting to talk to her. I miss her bunches. I had to write a difficult email this evening, and I talked to her about it a little. It was really hard for me to write this email, but once again, this a blog that people read, so I’ll refrain from talking about it and how I feel.

Ugh. I’m just feeling really down right now. To be completely honest, I feel a little fat, really ugly, boring and plain. I don’t like it. This isn’t how I normally feel, especially lately, but these aren’t completely uncommon feelings for me either. I hate being a girl. I think I might also be getting a little home sick. Yuck. I still have 3 more weeks of training and then at least 5 weeks on the road before my vacation. If I see you on my vacation, please be nice to me! I’ll need it.

Friday, July 25, 2008
I was still a bit grumpy when I woke up this morning. I wanted to sleep in and couldn’t and then after I got out of the shower I realized that I miscalculated the time and I really could have slept for another 30 minutes. I was pretty bummed.

At work today we went over the kinds of reports that we’re going to have to do, depending on the type of visit it is to the chapter (usually recruitment or discipline). We also talked about the things that we have to do in order to prepare for a visit to the chapter, and the things we have to do once we’ve finished visiting, not to mention all of the things that we have to do during the visit. It was rather overwhelming. I just don’t see how there’s enough time in the week for it all, especially when we’re only allowed to work 40 hours a week. I’m still really excited about it all (it’s starting to feel real now that we know where we’re going) but I’m nervous that I’m going to get stressed out.

It was really nice only having to work until noon today. I was really tired and decided to take a nap for a couple of hours and ended up sleeping for 4 hours. Nicole and I went out to dinner with Louise. They messed up both mine and Nicole’s dinners so we both got them for free, which was a pleasant little surprise. Then we went for ice cream and to see the new Batman movie. It was fun getting to hang out with Louise outside of work. She’s a hoot! The movie was really good too. Nicole got a text from the guy she was flirting with last night inviting us to come and hang out with them, but it was after midnight when we got out of the movie and Nicole just wanted to go home and go to bed, so we did. I also had an email waiting for me when I got out of the movie that certainly did not bring a smile to my face. That was a shame because I was in a really good mood before then.

I hope I’m able to sleep tonight after that long nap that I took. Right now I’m talking to Steven, who I haven’t talked to much since like April. He’s graduating in December and I guess him and a friend (who’s from China) are hoping to move to China sometime after he graduates and start a business over there. He’s not certain that it’s going to happen, but I hope that it does so I have an excuse to go to China! Before I left this summer I was really excited about buying a new car when I get done with this job, but now I’m not so excited about it. I’m excited to be getting a newer car, but I’m a bit torn about getting a brand new car. I know I can get one that’s only a year old for like $10,000 or less and it’s going to be like $23,000 for a brand new one. I just don’t know how I feel about putting all of that extra money towards a car that’s not that much better when I could use it to do things like go visit John in India or Steven in China. Those are experiences that I’m going to remember forever. Am I really going to care 30 years from now if my car was a 2007 or a 2008? Probably not. But I guess I’ll deal with all of that when it gets closer.

I’m starting to get a bit lonely here. Nicole and I are almost always together, but we don’t really talk about our lives with each other. I really wanted someone to talk to when I got out of the movie tonight, but I felt like I had no one. It was too late to call Hannah’s house and she doesn’t have a cell in Winnsboro. And it was way too late to call John. Hopefully Nicole and I meet some more people soon and start going out more and maybe once we’re more social I’ll start to feel better. Oh, I got paid today! Too bad I have a ton of bills to pay.