Though he's gone and you are wonderful, it's hard to move on

I am going to start writing this blog about what's going in my life and we'll see where it goes. I need to get some things out of my head too, but I don't know if I'll do it through here. I have a hard time sorting out what's going on in my head lately. It's influenced by so many people. I don't really like that. I'd rather be the only one in charge of it. Eh. 

Yesterday started out as such a shitty day for me but it ended up pretty good. As I mentioned in my last blog, I received a phone call with bad new at 4 am. I didn't fall asleep until three because I felt so sick that I couldn't sleep Then after I got off the phone, all I could think about was recruitment and what I did wrong, what I could have done better, what I need to do now, etc. so it was close to 6 before I fell asleep again. As soon as I got up I had to break the news to the president, then I had a phone call with HQ to try and figure out where to go from here, then I had a meeting with the campus Greek Advisor to try and figure out a plan with them as well. After all of that I met with Blair and Melissa (the president and VP of PR and Recruitment) and we had a good talk. They are trying to stay positive about this whole thing and are willing to do whatever it takes to make the chapter better. I went in to that meeting on the verge of tears and came out feeling a lot better. When we got back to the house to break the news to the rest of the chapter, Blair said that she had an announcement first. She said that since I was a founding member of my chapter and never had a big sis to spoil me, they all wanted to adopt me as their little. They had a paddle made for me that says "Fall 08, Best LC Ever, Love Beta Theta" and they wrote a note on the back and all signed it for me. They also gave me a bag of goodies. In it was another little tote bag, a t-shirt they had made for me that says love Beta Theta, another t-shirt from their chapter and a zip-up hoodie jacket that I LOVE. It was so sweet and exactly what I needed at the moment that I almost cried. These girls are so sweet and they all keep telling me how great I am and that they don't want me to leave. It's moments like that that remind me that this job is worth it, no matter what goes wrong. 

After that we all went to the JUMP. JUMP is their bid day activity that they do as a campus and it's really cool. They set up a stage on their quad and all 11 sororities fan out around it and all the PNMs get up on the stage, say their name and announce what sorority they're "jumping", jump off the stage and then run to their group. It's awesome! After we did that and welcomed our new girl, we went to eat and then had a movie night back at the house. It turned out to be a nice day. Today hasn't been too bad either. I got a lot of sleep last night, which was really nice. I fell right to sleep, which hasn't happened in a long time and slept through the whole night. Those are things that I used to take for granted but I'm so grateful when it happens now. I got a big of work done this morning and then went and volunteered at the alcohol free tailgate that was going on before the game. It wasn't very fun, but I did meet some rather cute boys from the Netherlands. They were beautiful. After we got back from the tailgate I found out that ADAM BRODY was at the real tailgate (not the lame-o alcohol free one that I was at) and I missed him! He was there to promote Barack Obama, who I also support. I was so upset when I found out he was there and I could have seen him if I'd been at the right tailgate. LAME. 

I'm really tired and I have a lot on my mind right now. I wish I didn't take on everyone else's burdens. 

What now?

I got a call at 4 o'clock this morning telling me that only one girl was matched with ASA during formal recruitment this week. One out of 364 that went through. I feel horrible. We could still get girls through snap bidding, but seriously? ONE? What am I supposed to do about that? What do I tell these ladies? I just want to curl up in a ball and die. 

It's a love story, baby just say yes

I feel like SHIT. I hate allergies. In my opinion allergies are worse than being sick because no one really feels bad for you when you have allergies and they don't understand. I feel just as bad as if I were sick and contagious. I slept 'til noon today and Amber even told me during our conference call that I sounded like crap. Thanks. I'm miserable. Ugh. 

Other than allergies I'm great though! I am having a lot of fun at this chapter and the girls keep telling me that they don't want me to leave. Last night I had a panty scrubbing party with Pam and Melissa (it's not nearly as awkward as it sounds). I did have an awkward moment today though, and I don't usually feel awkward. One of the ladies in the chapter approached me and informed me of a certain stench coming from one of the other women in the chapter and asked me if I could address the issue. Are you kidding me?? So today before our preference party I passed around some packets of vagisil wipes to the ladies and told them that rather than confronting anyone in particular, we were all going to make sure we didn't have stinky vaginas before recruitment started. They all laughed, thank goodness, but can I tell you how weird it is to be lined up in the bathroom with a bunch of your sisters, waiting for an empty stall knowing that the girl in there is cleansing her vagina? AWKWARD. 

Anyway, last night with Melissa and Pam was a lot of fun. The two of them and Andrea are my favorites here. And Blair too. Tonight after recruitment we all went out to eat in our pretty pref dresses. It was a lot of fun. I'm glad that I'm enjoying my visit here so much. I had fun at Delta Nu-A and Rogers State, but not like this. It might be because I've been here for 8 days and am still not leaving for another two. Maybe the length of the visit makes a difference. Well, I don't know. I think if I had been at Rogers State for 10 days then I would have been unhappy for 10 days. I like it here. Psi Psi is still my favorite though. I think they'll always be. Oh, I also made the ladies cry tonight. I gave a little ASA testimonial tonight and a few of the girls definitely cried the first time they heard it. It was cute. 

After this I'm going to Alabama. I know nothing about Alabama except that their president has quite the accent. I love it. A PNM at recruitment tonight did tell me that sororities are a really big deal there and that they have new member classes of like 100 girls. Hot damn. I don't think I'm going to be there for their recruitment though, thank goodness. This was overwhelming enough for me. After Alabama I'm going to Arkansas and I'm really excited about that. There's nothing great about Arkansas in particular but Krystal is driving up to stay with me while I'm visiting there! I'm so excited. I'm only there like 4 days then she and I are driving back down to Louisiana for my second visit to Psi Psi. I am so excited to go back there! I miss those ladies like crazy! And I can't wait to meet all the new ladies they have. Whitney (the president) texted me tonight and said that they extended another bid, so that'll make 10 new ladies!! How effing awesome is that? I'm so proud of them! Luckily Beta Theta hasn't gotten tired of me talking about them. They just kind of accept it and are really supportive of them. And when my phone rings Melissa is always like "Oh, is that Krystal?" It makes me laugh. 

I dyed my hair today and I love it. I really wish I could just get my hair to stay this color but it always effing fades back to that light brown color. Pain in my ass. Anyway, I've got some pictures of me and the ladies here that I want to put up but I imagine I'll have some more later this weekend because tomorrow is bid day!! I get my own bid day shirt and everything! And the ladies were all like "OH! You have to be in our bid day pictures with us. You're one of us now!" I'm so nervous for them though. If they don't do well in recruitment this semester then we're going to put them on revitalization (which I definitely think they need). I hope for their sake though that we don't have to do that. Plus they've worked really hard during recruitment and they're all excited. I really don't want to see them disappointed. Oh, and can I tell you how much drama comes with this job? Shit tons. Not only do I have the drama that comes with the chapter that I'm visiting at the moment, but I also have the drama that comes with the chapters I've already been too because they all call and tell me about it, and I have drama from my chapter as well! And it's not just the girls in the chapters either, but also their Greek advisors and chapter advisors causing drama. Ugh. It's just nuts. But I love it!! 

I'm trying not to think about you. Can't you just let me be?

I'm in a very thoughtful mood today. I'm not thinking a lot about my life in particular, but just life in general, which is good. Thinking about my life too much makes me a little crazy. 

I was walking to a meeting on campus today and it was gorgeous outside! This is my absolute favorite weather. It's about 80 degrees and sunny. I love it. On my stroll through campus I passed some people laying on a big blanket in the grass under a big tree and I got very jealous. I would love nothing more today than to be laying under a big tree on a blanket with a nice book and a chocolate milkshake. Mmmm, I just want to lay there, nice and relaxed and feel the breeze and not feel anything else. When I picture myself laying there, I do picture myself a little differently than I look in reality. In this day dream of mine I have long, slender, sexy legs. My hair is brown, long and shiny. My eyes are happy, my face relaxed. I'm not alone either, but I can't really tell who's laying there beside me.  

I'm in a good mood today. I'm grateful for that. I feel completely shitty because I'm sick or have allergies or something and I'm a bit stressed out, but I'm smiling. I feel good about my life at the moment. It's not perfect and there's a lot that I would fix if I could, but I guess it's not so bad. It could really be a lot worse, right? I've got some people that really know how to make me feel like crap, but then I've got some people who make me feel amazing. And that's what I should focus on. I need to worry less about the bad and remind myself more about the good. And I think I like who I am. I'm a good person. I'm not perfect, but who is? And who expects me to be? I know that I don't expect the people I care about to be perfect, so who is it that I'm trying to be perfect for? 

PIctures of my life

This is the swing I would sit on while talking to my dear friend Krystal at Delta Nu-A. She's the only one that called me while I was there or I would have talked to more people on it. 

Hannah, these are the effing swans that tried to kill me. 

They look innocent, but they're not. I promise. 

This is the chapter room at Delta Nu-A's house. 

This is Delta Nu-A's sorority house. The first one I've ever been in! Isn't it adorable? Their neighbors won't let them put letters on the house. 

This is the room I stayed in at Delta Nu-A. I was on the top bunk. I hate top bunks. Brittany would sit at the desk and talk to me while I was trying to sleep. Sweet girl. 

This is a picture of the front door and stairs at Delta Nu-A. That green chair at the top of the stairs is where I sat to do all of my work. 

This is the Beta Theta chapter house. 

That's what you get when you let your heart win

First let me say how effing tired I am of songs about sex. Who wants to listen to someone sing about blow jobs or wet/tight sex? Not me. It just makes me feel nasty and pisses me off. 

Second, let me say that I'm in a bad mood so this isn't going to be an upbeat blog. I really do love this job, but I'm really irritated with it at the moment. Do you know how much is sucks to not be around anyone that you care about? It fucking sucks. At first it wasn't so bad but now it's really starting to get to me. I have contact with my friends but that's only through email, talking on the phone and texting. So I'm finding myself holed up in my room more and more talking to people and spending less and less time with the girls that I'm visit. How horribly snobby of me. Ugh. I miss spending time with friends. I miss having the opportunity to be social. It's great that I have my phone and am able to talk to my friends, but sometimes talking to people just makes me feel even more lonely. More and more when I get off the phone with someone I'm just bummed that they get off the phone with me and can go interact with more people and got about their lives and have fun. I still get to have fun, but it's not the same. I don't regret taking this job at all, but right now I'm just really ready for my vacation. That's still 3 feel weeks away. That doesn't sound like that long, but it is. There is a ray of sunshine poking through this horribly effing cloudy sky though. My last visit before my vacation is to Psi Psi and I'm really looking forward to that! I miss those girls. And my visit before that one is in Arkansas and Krystal is going to drive up and stay with me there and then we're going to drive back to LA together. That should be a lot of fun. So I really just have 2 more weeks of loneliness and then it's going to get better and better as it goes. Then there's only a month between my vacation and when I come home for Thanksgiving. Thank God for that. I really want to take a trip to just get away. I know that doesn't make sense since I have been talking about how I just want to get back to my friends and family. But I still feel like I really need to get away and escape. Krystal and I talked about getting away in December. I wonder if we'll really do it though. 

Ya know what else doesn't help this loneliness? The girls at this chapter. I am so tired of being referred to as "the LC" and I'm tired of being forgotten about. Yesterday we had an hour break in the middle of recruitment (and recruitment is a whole nother story in itself) and we planned on going to eat. I mentioned pizza and everyone agreed that was a great idea. I was in a dress though and wanted to change. So once the last recruitment party was over I said "let me run up and change." I was up there maybe 3 minutes. I came back down and they we all gone. Every last one of them. They fucking forgot about me and left me home. I felt like such a loser. Then they did the same thing today! I was upstairs putting in info about the potential new members in the computer for them and they brought me up the voting cards and went back down stairs. I went down a couple of minutes later and they were all gone. None of them bothered to ask me if I wanted to go eat with them, they just left me there. What the fuck?!?! How can you just leave me upstairs working on this shit when really what I was doing isn't even part of my job. I was doing it at a favor to them! Ugh. Whatever. They did come up to help later on and that was nice. We had a good time and a couple of the girls told me how great they thought I was, that they wanted to keep me all year and that they were glad I was so fun. That's nice, but I wish they'd fucking feed me too. I've lost 5 pounds since I left Psi Psi. I guess that's a good thing though. 

So recruitment at a big school like this is effing stressful. There are 11 sororities and 364 women that went through recruitment. Anyone who has helped with a formal recruitment (especially membership selection) should understand what a BITCH that is and how much is sucks. It's stressing me out like you would not believe. I wouldn't mind if I was an active in the chapter and having to meet these women. What sucks is having to sort through all the scored for them and put together some kind of system for eliminating them. It effing sucks.  A lot. But! I'm hoping that it'll be worth it in the end and these women will get some great new members and be on their way to becoming a great chapter again. Speaking of great chapters, Psi Psi picked up 9 lovely new ladies this past week and I am so proud of them!! 

I'm listening to Paramore right now and it's fucking pissing me off. I love this band but every time I listen to it it reminds me of Reid. How shitty is that? This is one of my favorite bands and every time I listen I think of him. I don't want to think about him. I just want to fucking forget about him. I don't understand why I can't. When I listen to Paramore it reminds me of driving to his house (or home from it). It reminds me of the butterflies I would get walking up to the door, of the smile that was plastered to my face when I would leave his house, of all the good that there was between us. All the good that my friends never saw or understood. He made me feel so amazing about myself. He made me feel unique, and special. I'm not fucking unique or special. I'm just someone to fill space. Fuck that. I hate people like him. I hate that I liked him. I hate that he made me happy. I hate that he was hurt me. I hate that I LET him hurt me. I should have figured he'd hurt me. Why did I think that he was going to be any different? I just wish someone could have seen all of the good that there was so I didn't feel like I was imagining it. I know I wasn't. Ugh. If I could just tell you some of the things that were so amazing. But why the hell do I care? Why do I feel the need to prove that it was real? Why the hell do I still think about him. I hate that when I think of him I still wish things had ended differently with us, even though I know he's horrible for me and not the kind of person I need in my life. I still wish... Damn it. I don't understand why I liked him so much. I still like that I kicked him out of my apartment when he was naked. That makes me smile when I think about it. 

Paramore also reminds me of Hannah. That's a good thing though. It reminds me of her because she's the one who introduced me to them. It makes me sad that it reminds me of her though because I miss her so effing much. I just need a good uninterrupted week of Hannah time. Seriously. 

I guess I might be done with this blog for now. I've calmed down some, which is good. I was pretty upset when I started writing it. I still have a lot on my mind though. That kind of pisses me off too. I took this job thinking that I was leaving my life behind and getting away from the stresses of my personal life for a while. I should not be stressing about things outside of my job at the moment. But alas, I am Chasity, so I am. I don't understand it. It boggles me little mind. 

Pictures from my wreck

This is the car after I rolled it twice. Really, it doesn't look as bad as it could. The back windshield completely fell out, both side mirrors went missing and I found glass in my bra. But Nicole and I survived (as did my iPhone, her laptop and my camera) so we're really lucky.

All you wanted was somebody who cares

So I'm feeling all sad and down and really missing my friends so I want to write them all a little note in this blog telling them why I'm glad they're my friend. I'm not feeling super sad and depressed or anything, I just miss them and it's always nice to be reminded of why you're important to someone, right? 

Hannah Joy Clark. I miss you more than elephants and bears and trucks and penguins. I miss Red Lexia and walks and working out together and talking about working out and not doing it. I miss Gilmore Girls and concrete mixers and Gossip Girl and pass the pint. I love you because I feel like we think and feel a lot of the same things about life even when we're apart and haven't seen each other in months. I love you because we can spend 10 minutes talking about mean swans and it's no big deal, because we can lie in bed all day long doing nothing and have more fun then if we'd gone out. I love that we make these grand plans for our life together and even if they fall through I know it's not because we're not as good of friends anymore, but because we've just changed our plan. I feel like you are completely supportive of me and my life and I know that I can always count on you to be my best friend. You’re the best daughter I could ever ask for!

Krystal Diane Smith. (I believe you told me once that that was your middle name) I am so thankful that I met you this year and am happy that we've become such good friends so quickly. You have been my savior and my escape for these past couple weeks and sometimes I don't know what I would have done without you. You've been there to listen to me bitch for 13 minutes straight, made me laugh about ridiculous things like an AC unit and showed me that you value my friendship by opening up your can of crazy on me. I’m completely comfortable with you and I really feel like I could talk to you about almost anything. I can't wait to come back and start all of our adventures (the zoo, ducks, the park, nick and nora and quarantine, sleeping with the ladybug) and have more pillow talk! I’ll continue to help you with your self project if you help me remember why I’m doing mine! You’re fantastic and my favorite best best friend/unhealthy obsession. :)

John Russell Stanger. Oh dear, I would be so lost without you! You and I have been through so much shit together and I’m so happy that we’ve managed to stay friends through all of these ups and downs. For a while I wasn’t sure if we were going to make it and I couldn’t be happier that we did. And I’m really glad that we had a rocky/interesting start because I think it just gives character to our friendship. I miss you so much. You and miss Hannah pants. I miss driving down the hunt road listening to Rilo Kiley, our one last all nighter that wasn’t as exciting as we had planned, the craziness from freshman year with Cova, the freeness and fun that came with my birthday, cooking with evoo, pretending to be your girlfriend so you didn’t feel stupid at the Kelly Clarkson concert, making out with you at parties and shocking the shit out of people… You are my absolute best friend and I really hope you know how much your friendship means to me. I think you’re the one person who knows everything about me. You’re the one person that I don’t hesitate to tell things to. Well, sometimes I hesitate, but you’re still the person I tell it all to because I know that you love me no matter what and I have never felt judged by you in the least.

Rebecca Ellen Bell. Oh dear, have we been through a lot together. Our friendship has been a quite a ride and I know that we haven’t always enjoyed it, but I glad we seem to have survived and I hope you are too. I’m really sad that I’m not going to be there to celebrate your birthday with you but know that I’m definitely thinking of you. And the shit ton of fun that we’ve had together. Those crazy camping trips, skipping class and going to the river, making special mac n cheese, hiding in showers together, me calling your nurse a bitch, playing Balderdash, watching you run into glass phone booths in France, stealing silverware from the air plane! When I think of you and our friendship I often think back to when I called you crying from Kerrville last summer and you were ready to jump in the car and drive two hours just to hug me and let me know that it was going to be ok. That’s the most amazing thing anyone’s offered to do for me, and I know you would have followed through with it if I’d let you. I miss you a hell of a lot more than I think you realize and I love you more than pie!

Elaine Francis Murray. I effing miss you! I am so glad that you and I got over the issues that we had with each other and are such good friends now. I was a bit worried when I first left this summer because I didn’t really know if you and I would keep in touch and stay friends and I’m very happy to discover that we have! You are wonderful and I cannot wait to come back and see you in October. We definitely need to go to IHOP and have some Chasi-Elaine time! I appreciate that I can call you up and bitch anytime I want and I know you’ll agree with me, even if both clearly know that I’m wrong! And I love that I can tell you when you’re being a bitch and be mad at you for being late to your own birthday and you know that you could always do the same to me, and it would be ok. Because we’re both just like that.

Alexandrea Marie Gantt. I saved the voicemail that you left me the other day so I could listen to it again because it was so good to hear your voice. Kinda creepy, right? It was also so I could remember that girls name and look her up. I miss you so damn much. I hate that I haven’t seen you since January and I hate that we never really get to talk. I love that our friendship always picks up right where it left off and I love that there’s never a dull moment with us! Cancun, “shebelike”, “he was like this, and I was like this!”, swimming with Jonny and Steven and me not knowing which one was which, all of the crazy boys that we’ve gone through over the years, Bowie and ACC, playing board games and going bowling, watching the Exorcist at Tess’, making t-shirts for English class with Hoss. You have no idea how much you coming to my graduation meant to me even if we didn’t get to spend any time together. I don’t ever want to not be friends with you. I love my Bozo and I must get to see you when I’m home!

Therese Marie Welch. Where do I begin with you, Tess? Even though we don’t talk often I take comfort in knowing that you’re there for me. You’ll probably never read this or even know that I wrote it, but you were my best friend for so long that it would just be wrong for me not to acknowledge you here. We have so many silly memories together (pan head, freezer freezer, bus or card, etc) and I always liked that you and I could sit and do nothing and just enjoy each others company. One of my favorite memories is when your dad went out of town and I came and stayed with you for a few days and we just lounged around the house watching movie and reading. When I think of our friendship, I thin of the word calm. I can’t remember us ever being mad at each other or ever fighting. I do remember getting a phone call from you and knowing exactly what was wrong even though I couldn’t understand a word you said because you were so hysterical. I also remember calling you when things were going down hill with Steven and I and you just let me sit and cry on the phone to you. You are like the sister I never had and I love you. 

You can have whatever you like

Thursday, September 18, 2008

I know I say this all the time, but I seriously love my job! This is the most amazing feel-good job and I’m having the time of my life! I’m pretty sure that I’m not going to want to do it again next year, but I’m really happy that I still have several months of it left. I have the day off today (complete accident that I'm very excited about) so I'm going to take the time to write some blogs, send some emails to my dear friends that I miss and scout out some grad school options. Oh, and pay some bills and manage my loans. Not all that exciting for a day off, but it'll be ok. 

I'm at Beta Theta at Central Michigan University for the next 9 days. A girl from the chapter came and picked me up from Delta Nu-A yesterday. It's about a 2 hour drive and we all know how great I am at small talk with people I don't know... I attempted to make conversation with her, but she sucks at it worse than I do. So our drive was done mostly in silence without even the radio to save us. I was exhausted and had to try really hard not to fall asleep on her (I thought that might be rude). This was a real struggle for me for a while, but then she almost killed us and I was quite alert after that. When we got to the house we walked into the living room and everyone just stared at me. I said hello and introduced myself and they yall just muttered hello and continued to stare. Made me feel great! Then, I got to my room to discover I had no sheets or a blanket. They gave me some sheets to put on the bed, but no blanket. At this point I was quite worried about my stay here. We went to dinner though and it was good fun. I think they realized that I'm a real person just like them and I'm not that older than them. After dinner we went back and hung out at the house for a while and that was rather enjoyable. And when I went up to my room later I discovered that someone was nice enough to bring me a blanket! A girl also volunteered to come by the house today and take me to lunch around 12. It's now 1:30 and I haven't heard from her so I think she forgot. I'm rather hungry so I may take a little stroll and see what I can find in the neighborhood. I'm excited about my stay here. I always start out feeling negative but it works out because from their I have no place to go but up. Their formal recruitment is this weekend and it's going to be INTENSE! There's over 300 woman going through recruitment (the school has 20,000 students and 11 sororities and 11 fraternities) and it starts Saturday and goes through Friday with Tuesday being an off day. Saturday we have back to back parties starting from noon and going through 8 pm! I'm so happy to have today off to do my own thing since I'm clearly not going to have a weekend of any kind! I'm nervous for the girls though. They seem pretty confident and not that interested in having recruitment practices and that worries me. They're the smallest sorority on their campus (total is 61 and they have 17 or so). I did talk them into letting me facilitate a practice before the first party, so I hope that goes well! I hope these ladies end up rocking recruitment just like my ladies from Psi Psi. That'd make me feel pretty awesome. I don't think I'm really going to make a connection with any of the ladies here. Most of them kind of get on my nerves. They all seem very immature and just... I don't know. Not my kind of girls. They're nice though. After I leave here I go to Alabama, Arkansas and then Louisiana again before I'm home for my vacation. I'm especially excited about LA and TX. ALabama and Arkansas... eh. 

I decided that today would be a good day for me to start looking into grad schools. Krystal and I talked yesterday and joked about me going to NSULA and living with her and Cassie and that got me thinking that I really should make a decision about where I want to go. I don't think I want to go to school in Texas. None of the schools there really interest me much. I started looking at schools this morning. I got as far as NSULA, LSU and Texas State. NSULA was actually the best of the three in my opinion. I guess I'd really have no problem going there. I'm going to keep looking though, just in case I find something super exciting. A past LC that I've been in contact with said that she lived in Oregon for a while and it was gorgeous there and the people there are all really healthy and active. That sounds great, but do I want to move to Oregon? At the beginning of the summer I was all for going to grad school in another state where I knew no one, but now that I've been away from friends and family for a while I'm thinking that I might want to go somewhere where I know someone. Although grad school would be different from this. I would be in one place and be able to meet people and make friends, so I guess I really could go anywhere. I just don't know how I'm supposed to choose! I think I'd like a school with an ASA chapter, so that kind of cuts out the west coast, which is helpful I guess. The past LC (her name's Jenn) also tried to talk me into going to Southern Miss with her. They have a great student affairs program (I guess that's what I'm going to do...) and she got excited about us going to school together (she's getting her doctorate there). I know nothing about that school though. I know nothing about any school. I wish Hannah was going to be done with school this year so I could just make her come with me some place. Another past LC (Emily) is doing grad school in Ireland. How fucking awesome is that?? Maybe I want to go to Ireland or some other crazy country for school. I guess the first step that I should take is getting a GRE study guide and studying for the test. I hear it's kinda hard. If I want to go to NSULA I only need a 750, but if I go to Texas State then I need a 900. I have no idea what those scores mean so I should look into that as well. That's part of the reason I was glad to take this job was so that I could look at schools and help figure out where I want to go to grad school. I still can't believe I want to go to grad school at all. I though for sure I was going to want to be done after 4 years of college. 

I think I'm tired of having straight hair. Which I guess is good since I don't have straight hair. In the last 2 weeks I've only straightened it twice and then I usually end up just putting it up anyway. I think it's this lousy hair cut I have. Turns out I really did love having long hair and I never should have cut it. Maybe once it's longer I'll be interested in wearing it straight more often. 

This summer I definitely had the travel bug and it's starting to wear off now. That makes me kind of sad. I was so excited about all of the possibilities for my life (and I still am) but now traveling doesn't have quite the appeal that it did. I don't know why. I still like the idea of going to school some place besides Texas, and I still like the idea of going back to Europe for a bit, but I'm not sure about living there anymore. I think Hannah and I should take ourselves a fun little trip and just travel over there. Although, I was talking to my roommate from this past week and she was an exchange student in Germany for a semester and she got a EuroRail pass or something so she went some place different every weekend. I think that would be pretty awesome. I really like the idea of traveling and seeing and experiencing different things, but I'm starting to feel attached to people again and want to be connected to people. What a little dilemma. 

I've been thinking about myself a lot lately and the person that I am. I've also been thinking about the person that I used to be and how the changes I made in myself came about. Really, almost all of the changes that I've made in myself are changes that I made to please other people. How pathetic is that? I know that it's completely normal and expected for people to change throughout their lives, especially be between the ages of 15 and 30. But I think about all the changes that I've made in myself since high school and it's really crazy. I'm working on making some new changes at the moment and I'm pretty pleased with them. They're changes that are really going to be good for me but I can't really put my finger on why I decided to make these changes. Was it just for me, or is it for other people again? There are about a million different things that I'd like to change about myself but at the same time I really like the way that I am. Every time new people come into my life I can feel myself evaluating who I am and if there's something that I should/can do to make myself better in their eyes. Why do I care what these people think of me? Why can't I just hope that they'll accept me the way that I am, and if they don't then shouldn't that mean that they don't really need a spot in my life? I'm really good at telling my friends that they're great the way that they are and that they shouldn't care what others think or want to change to please people, but for some reason my advice to them doesn't apply to me. I feel happy with myself the way that I am a lot of the time, I just wish I was really happy with ALL aspects of myself ALL the time. Wouldn't that be nice? 

"Apathetic"

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

I’m writing this blog to let everyone know that my dear friend Krystal and I have decided that we’re starting a new life together. Very soon, she and I will be quitting school and our jobs and leaving everything behind (except for her car and my phone) and moving to Canada.  There, we are going to find ourselves some sexy-hot Canadian lovers and live and be merry. Although, nothing about a Canadian lover sounds hot or sexy… I may have to import one or figure something else out. That’s beside the point though. The point is that she and I are officially done with our lives here and are ready to embark on some new adventure, and why not in Canada? They talk funny there and I like it. We’ve decided that the American government will never find us there so we don’t have to worry about silly commitments to the Army or loans that we need to pay back, etc. Rest assured that we will not be just wasting our lives there either! We have a plan to start a company making a new brand of animal crackers. Some new designs that we’re considering are giraffes, monkeys and octopus. If you care to visit us or reach us once we start our new lives in this far away land, there will be a process to go about. We are leaving to escape the stress and ridiculousness of life here and we do not wish to invite that stress to come and visit us whenever it wishes. There will be visitation dates set and an application process for getting your visit approved. There are many of you that I will miss when I’m gone, however, I feel that this is very necessary for Krystal and I to maintain our sanity and find some happiness. We wish you all the best of luck with your lives and hope that you understand. 

Mama mia, here we go again

I wrote a letter to my mom the other day. I've been planning this letter out in my head for a while but just haven't gotten around to writing it. Well I finally sat down and wrote it but I didn't end up saying half of the things that I wanted to say to her. What I did tell her was that in the past when we were mad at each other and not speaking, it was always ok because we had Grandma to keep us updated on what's going on with each others lives. Now we don't have that anymore so we need to get over what ever we're both mad about because we have no other connection to each other any more. 

What I wanted to tell her was how mad I am at her for not coming to my graduation. I wanted to tell her that I think it was selfish of her and that I was stupid enough to think that things really might be different after we saw each other in January. I wanted to tell her that I wish she would put forth half of the effort to be a part of my life that she puts forth for her step-daughter. I wanted to tell her that I'm still mad at her for all of the things that she did when I was a kid. I wanted to tell her that I want to forgive her and move forward, but that it's going to to take effort on her part too. I wanted to tell her that she has no right to be mad at me for not getting her a mothers day card when I feel like she's done nothing in the last 11 years to deserve one. I wanted to tell her that I love her and I miss her and I wish... I guess I wish a million different things, and none of them make any difference at all. I didn't tell her any of the things that I wanted to. I think maybe I'll see if and how she responds to this letter and then go from there. This woman stresses me out and I want to just shake her! 

I'm starting to stress a bit about what I'm going to do with the rest of my life. I know I talk about this in a blog every couple of months and it's always different, but it makes me feel better to write down all of my options, see what they are and then decide that I don't actually want to do any of them. Over this summer I was really enjoying working for Headquarters and was seriously considering doing that with my life (for a few years anyway). That's still not something that I would be opposed to doing. I'd love to have Ambers job and in be in charge of recruitment and expansion. Now that I'm on the road traveling I'm seriously considering being a Greek advisor for a campus. I think that would be ridiculously fun and I think it's something that I'd really be good at. To do either of these things I would first have to get my masters. I'm starting to freak out about this a bit. I need to take the GRE sometime soon and start applying to schools so that I can start somewhere in the fall. The problem with that is I have no idea where I want to go to school. I guess I could do what most normal people do and apply to several different schools and wait until the last minute to decide which I want to go to and hope that my mind is more made up by then. What if the schools I want to go to don't accept me? Ugh. I wish I was as dedicated to my school work in college as the girls at this chapter are. They are so effing smart and spend so much time studying that it makes me head spin. 

I know that if I was to choose either of these options for my life I would be happy and good at them both. But then there's my love of kids... I'm sure that being a mom at some point will fulfill my desire to work with kids and make a difference in their lives. I hope anyway. But then there's my loans! If I get my teaching certificate and teach at a crappy school in Texas for a couple of years then the state will pay back some (hopefully all!) of my loans for me. I'd be ok with that, but I worry if I do that then I won't still have to motivation to go to grad school and get my masters. I really want my masters. I'm also no sure if I want to get it in student affairs or psychology... Damn. I feel like I just keep going over all of this in my head, in my blogs, on the phone with people and I still don't know what I want to do. I guess I know what I should do and it's just not what I want to do at the moment. I want to go ahead and go to grad school so I can start working in a job that I really enjoy. I don't want to put if off. But I'm pretty sure that I'd enjoy teaching as well. I sure do love them little kiddos. Ah, oh well. I still have a couple of more months to procrastinate making a decision about it. 

I really like the chapter that I'm at right now. It's been a bit of an adjustment because they start school in July, are in session for 11 weeks, then have 11 weeks off from Oct through Dec to work in a job related to their field, then come back for another 11 weeks of school In Jan through March and have another 11 weeks off. Because of their weird school schedule, they have to do things a little bit differently than other chapters do and so I'm having to bend rules here and make adjustments there. It think it's fun though and these ladies are fantastic! I'm really enjoying staying in the house with them and they're really making sure that I feel at home here! I talked to the president of the colony that I just left and things are a bit crazy there. They're having a huge argument involving all of their members and what kind of shoes are appropriate for initiation. I told them what is ok and they don't believe me because the LC that they had last year told them something different and they really liked her. The president believes me, but she can't get the other girls to. That's a bit frustrating. I'm also nervous about the chapter that I'm about to go to. I'm supposed to be helping them with formal recruitment and I'm not really sure what my role is supposed to be in that. I guess I'm going to call Nicole later tonight and talk to her about that since she was in the same position last week. 

The range of emotions that I've been experiencing lately has been rather intense for me. Sunday night was a really rough night for me (that's when I was writing the end of my last blog) and I was so upset/irritated/angry/sad/insecure/frustrated/tired that I could barely see straight. I was mad at everyone for not knowing what I was going through and not understanding me. That really interesting thing about that is I don't know how I expected anyone to know or understand since I hadn't talked to anyone and no one knew that I was feeling that way. I was still in a fairly foul mood Monday morning and though part of the day. Last night I wrote myself a nice private blog on myspace and sent my darling John and email and doing that made me feel a lot better. I was in a fantastic mood when I went to bed, woke up super happy and cheerful and have been like that pretty much all day. I did have my moments of stress, but even through the stress I still felt happy which was really nice. Part of my good mood last night could have been because the ladies from Psi Psi had their first night of recruitment last night and it went extremely well and Krystal and Whitney both called to tell me about it. I am so proud of these women and hearing them tell me all about it last night and how excited they are, I could not stop smiling! It was fantastic. I can't wait to go back and see them all! 

I really miss my family. I miss Mike and Sandy a lot but I also miss my nephews. I was thinking about Jake the other day and I'm just really sad that I don't get to see him more. I'm afraid that he's not going to remember me when I come home to visit in a couple weeks and when I'm home over Christmas. I miss his cute little crooked smile and he adorable little laugh. I also feel kind of guilty because I'm super excited about seeing him and not as excited about seeing Ryan (his brother). I feel like people always like the baby in the family more than the older kid but I love Jake so much that I can't possibly fathom the idea of not devoting all of my attention to him and having to split it with his little bother. Surely when I see them both I'm going to love Ryan just as much. I also miss my Grandpa a lot. That's kind of weird for me. Of them, I've always spend more time with my Grandma, but my Grandpa and I really get along pretty well (unless he talks shit about me behind my back, which isn't uncommon in my family). I just think about him a lot and I wonder how he's handling living without my Grandma now. I'd like to think that he loved her so much that he's really difficult for him now, in which case I feel really bad for him and just want to hug him. I worry though that it's not difficult for him. That thought makes me sad too, but in a different way. 

Mr. Cellophane, should have been my name.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

So I’ve got about a million different things on my mind at the moment. Well, maybe not a million different things, but the things I do have on my mind are taking up so much room that I might as well be thinking about a million different things because I have no room for anything else. It wouldn’t be so bad thinking about all of these things if I felt like I could talk to someone about them. Well, I suppose I can talk to someone about them, but it’s so much easier to talk to people about things when you know what the outcome is going to be. Talking without knowing the outcomes makes me vulnerable, and we all know that I’m not a big fan of that.

 I leave for Michigan in the morning. My stay at Rogers State wasn’t too bad. Nothing horrible, nothing great. I didn’t get to go salsa dancing, to the zoo or to a play. I didn’t have money for the play, no one ever brought up the zoo again and Paula wasn’t feeling well enough for dancing. I did get to hang out with Hope (the VP of PR and Recruitment) and Paula and play Scattergories last night. That was a lot of fun. I was surprised to find that the main brunt of my problems this week didn’t come from the school I was visiting at the moment, but from the school I just left. Hurricane Gustav was responsible for their campus changing the dates of formal recruitment once and now hurricane Ike is responsible for them having to change the dates yet again, and this time it’s really going to suck for my ladies there. I am sure that it’ll all work out in the end and I have complete faith in them that they’ll be able to pull it all off and be great, but for now it really sucks. I wish I was there to help them!

 Sunday, September 14, 2008

So, originally the whole point of me starting this blog was to keep up with what’s going on with me being an LC, I guess to document it all so I can look back on it in the future. In the past the point of my blogs was just to get everything off my chest and out of my head. Lately, I haven’t felt like I have a lot to say about my LCness in my blogs and today I was sitting in the airport, bored, and I went back and read through several of my old blogs from myspace. I really enjoyed reading those and comparing where I used to be to where I am now. So I’ve decided that this is not just (or primarily) an LC blog anymore. I realize that I’ve already been sharing my non-LC thoughts in this blog, but not to the extent that I would like to be. My plan was to blog about my LC experiences and get them bound into a little book. Now I’ve decided that I’m just going to keep blogging and every year get them bound into a little book, this way I’ll have these little journals about my life starting in college and going through… whenever I stop I guess and I can look back on them years from now. I think it’s going to be great!

 I have a ton of things that I want to write about and it’s probably going to take me several blogs to write about it all. First I’m going to start with the LC business. I left Rogers State this morning and now I’m at Delta Nu-A in Michigan and I LOVE IT HERE!!! At first I though that Psi Psi was just a fluke and that I wasn’t going to have another experience like that while on the road. I am happy to report that I think (at this point) that I was wrong. The girl that picked me up was really nice but I was still unsure of it all. When I first got to the house (which is effing adorable! I’ll put up pictures tomorrow!) I was really nervous. I’m sharing a room with Brittany and when the president took me to my room she was taking a nap. I felt horrible for waking her up and really awkward and out of place. I hate feeling out of place. I’m not one of those people who can just make myself comfortable in any situation, but! I am working on. As soon as I got here I had to change clothes and go straight into meetings. I really enjoyed these meetings. There’s only 15 girls in the chapter but it was the most smoothly run meeting that I’ve ever experienced. They do some things really differently, but not a bad different, so it’s ok. After all the meetings were over, I got a tour of the house and these girls are fantastically nice to me. My roommate just bought some new magazines and gave them to me to read (too bad I don’t read Vogue or Cosmo), and then gave me the password to her computer so I can get on anytime I want to, she is taking me to yoga later this week and just now she just came and sat next to me and we talked for like 20 minutes. They already took me out to get some food, told me to help myself in the kitchen, etc. They have just done a really fantastic job of making me feel at home and I’ve only been here a few hours. That’s one of the things that I liked so much about Psi Psi; I was just really comfortable with the girls and felt right at home. I’m really looking forward to meeting with these ladies and I’m disappointed that I’m only going to be here until Wednesday. I am loving staying in a house and really wish we would have had a chapter house! This is awesome!

 The girls here are all REALLY smart. This is primarily an engineering school and tonight after meeting they were all talking about their grades and comparing who has the highest. Normally that would annoy the crap out of me, but none of them were doing it to show off, it was just casual conversation for them. Brittany was telling me that she’s a mechanical engineer with a minor in bioengineering and also biochemistry so she can apply to med school. She’s a super sweet girl and I like her a lot, but talking to her made me feel kind of dumb and boring. And it made me feel bad about what I want to do with my life. I felt completely not good enough and ridiculous. That made me sad. But other than that, I like it a lot here and am so glad to be here instead of Rogers State. It was really nice having my own space there (which I forgot to take pictures of) but it got lonely just hanging out in the apartment by myself all the time. Luckily Miss Hannah and Miss Krystal were just a phone call/text message away and kept me sane. Hope was a complete sweetheart to me and felt super bad that we didn’t hang out more and promised to hang out with me everyday during my next visit. That was nice.

 When I was on the plane this afternoon I was feeling really nervous about coming to this chapter and staying in a chapter house for the first time. I was also starting to doubt my abilities as an LC. I know that I’m a good LC in a lot of areas, but I worry that I’m not doing a good enough job. I feel like surely there’s something that I’m supposed to be doing that I’m not. And I just keep waiting for some chapter to make me feel completely inadequate. Hopefully that doesn’t happen.

 Ugh, I have so much that I want to talk about in this blog, I don’t really know where to go next with it. Yesterday I spent pretty much the whole day by myself. I did have breakfast with the colony advisor and that was enjoyable, but from noon until I went to bed at 2 am I was alone. While I was spending quality time by myself I decided that I was going to watch the ASA slideshow that Samantha put together last semester. Bad idea. I got about 6 minutes in to it before I started crying. I am really happy with my life at the moment and I absolutely love my job, but I do miss Schreiner. I don’t miss the drama, but there is still so much that I do miss. Seeing some of the pictures from the spring retreat where we all bawled our eyes out and pictures from the sleep over, and shack a thon, and making cupcakes with the new girls at my apartment, and just a million other things that were on there. I miss the chapter SO much. I want to come back and visit. I’m afraid that no one wants me to come back and visit (besides the obvious people) and that the chapter doesn’t really care about me anymore. That makes me super sad. That’s not why I was sad yesterday though. Yesterday I was just missing everyone a lot and so I called Hannah and she distracted me for a couple of hours. I’m really happy with this job, but I am starting to get a little home sick. I wish my family called me more. Sandy only ever calls when she has an agenda for the phone call. I called just to chat the other day because I missed them and it still turned into us scheduling another time to talk because she had things to tell me and didn’t feel like talking about it at the moment. Not very comforting. Maybe I shouldn’t expect more though.

 After talking to Brittany and feeling a bit stupid (and boring!), it really got me thinking all kinds of thoughts that I should not be thinking. I am so tired of dating. I know that sounds silly for me to say since it’s been a while since I’ve dated anyone, but I really am. I am tired of feeling worthless and like I’m not good enough. I am tired of constantly trying to change who I am to suit other people. I’m tired of trying to figure out what other people want me to be. I am ready to just be me. At this point I’ve tried to change so many things about myself to fit the expectations of others that I don’t even know who I am anymore. I’m not 100 percent sure what I like or what I want. I am so confused and just so lost. I want there to be a big sign pointing me in the right direction, telling me what to do. I want these damn boys to stop fucking with me. I want to be able to talk to someone without feeling stupid for opening up and sharing. I want someone to actually listen to what I have to say, to try and dig a little deeper to figure out what’s really going on with me rather than just taking what’s at the surface and dismissing the idea that there could be anything else. I want people to stop taking and pretending that they’re willing to give in return and not delivering when I need them to. I want to stop feeling this way and stop expecting so much from other people. I want to stop caring about other people more than they care about me.  

I missed the good hurricane :(

Thursday, September 11, 2008
When I woke up this morning, I did have a lot of stuff that I was going to blog about. I was feeling really overwhelmed and stressed out. Luckily though, Krystal is a doll and offered to let me call her and unload all of my problems on her at 9:30 this morning. I called her at exactly 9:30 and talked (with no interruptions from her) until 9:45. When you think about it, 15 minutes of straight talking is a lot. I am so grateful that she was willing to just sit there and let me open up my big ole can of crazy on her.

My visit at Rogers State is going pretty well so far. The women are nice, but it’s not quite the same as it was at Psi Psi. I just really bonded with those women. I think that’s partly because there was only 8 of them and I had to meet with them all repeatedly because they held multiple positions, plus meet with them as a whole each night, plus I was staying with several of them. Here, the only person I’m meeting with repeatedly is the VP of PR and Recruitment, I don’t have to meet with whole chapter and I’m living by myself. It is making for quite the lonely stay here. I am looking forward to this weekend. The president mentioned that a few of them might be going salsa dancing on Friday night and I’m SUPER excited about that! I can’t dance at all and I’m sure that I’m going to make a fool of myself, but I’m ok with that. She also wants to take me to the zoo because apparently Tulsa has America’s favorite zoo (not the biggest, just the favorite). I’m a pretty big fan of the zoo, so I’m excited about that as well. Another member of the colony just turned 21 this week and they might be going to a comedy club to celebrate Saturday night and she invited me to come along. I’m not sure if these ladies will remember that they invited me to these things and actually follow through with calling me when the weekend rolls around, but I sure hope so. I might go crazy if I have to spend the whole weekend in this apartment by myself!

I don’t think I even mentioned my nice little apartment in my last blog. The first night I was here I stayed with the President and her roommate at their house but then Monday evening they got me all set up in my own little apartment. It has a full kitchen with a table, a TV with cable and two arm chairs, a bed room with a double size bed, a twin size bed, a desk, a dressed two closets, a big vanity area with sink, and a bathroom with another small vanity area. It’s pretty awesome! I have my suitcases spread out on the twin size bed, all my toiletries on the vanity area and the desk set up as a nice little work space. The only down side (well, there’s two really) is that I don’t have internet. But it’s really close to the library so I don’t mind walking over there to use the internet. It ensures that I get some exercise in my day. It also get’s a little lonely here. At Psi Psi I was rarely alone (I even shared a bed with Krystal) so it’s quite the adjustment going from a couple of house alone a day to all day alone with the exception of a couple of hours of meetings. I’m excited about my next visit because I’m pretty sure that they have a chapter house that I get to stay in!

Since I do have all of this time on my hands, maybe I’ll go running tonight. Although, it’s been raining all day and I don’t really want to go running in the rain. I also discovered today that my umbrella leaks. That really sucked. It didn’t just rain today, it POURED all day long. I had to walk across campus in the rain, in heels and a suit and it sucked. I was smart enough to check the weather when I woke up today so I didn’t waste my time straightening my hair. That was a real plus, especially with the leaky umbrella.

Roger that

Tuesday, September 09, 2008
Well, I’m here at Rogers State now. So far it’s not too bad. The president and one of the new members picked me up from the airport and they were super sweet. The new girl was a bit much for me though. She was one of those girls who you can tell gets told all the time that she’s cute so she tried to act really cute. In fact, it’s just really annoying. I don’t care that you can eat three times as much as I can and still fit in to your size zero pants bitch. Apparently she can eat a lot, and she told us this when we first got to the restaurant, and as she was eating she would laugh and say “See, I told you I could eat a lot. Did you not believe me?” or “I know I eat a lot, don’t think I’m weird!”. And she’s not a size zero. Tess is a size zero and this girl is twice the size of Tess. Then she announced that her birthday is this Sunday and her boyfriend is going to take her on a shopping spree and let her buy whatever she wants. I’m not trying to be a bitch and pick on this girl, I’m just trying to describe her a bit. She was really nice, just a little immature. Over all I had a good time at dinner with them. They stopped at the mall after dinner so I could get my watch battery replaced and then at Wal-Mart so I could replace the face wash that the airport stole from me.

When I got to OK, I was exhausted. I didn’t sleep on the plane like I normally do and Krystal and I had stayed up until like 6 the night before when we had to get up at 8 something. All I wanted to do was go to bed, but when I got to Paula’s house (that’s the president), I had to wait on her roommate to come home and clean off her bed for me. Her roommate, Whitney, was really nice too. She looks like she wouldn’t be though. She’s super blond with hair that has so much product in it that it doesn’t move and so much make-up on that it must take her hours to get ready in the morning. She looks like she might be a bit of a snob, but she’s not at all. I know that’s judgmental of me to say, but I that was just my first impression of her and I never stick with those. She’s really nice and funny. I finally go to go to bed around 10, but then stayed up chatting until like 11.

Monday I didn’t really have much to do. Paula took me to the library in the morning so I could get some stuff done (I worked on all personal stuff, no work, so now I have to work extra long today) and then we went lunch together. Other than lunch I didn’t really have anything to do until a meeting at 5 and then I was busy until almost 11. I spent most of the day just sitting around, alone. I didn’t mind too much though.

When I was in Louisiana I went to the eye doctor because my left eye was bothering me pretty bad and I found out that I have 2 corneal ulcers in my eye. They gave me some antibiotic drops and my eye is feeling much better now. I had to go to another eye doctor today for a follow up appointment to make sure it’s doing ok, and it is. He told me that the layer over the ulcers is healing nicely so there’s not really a worry for infection at this point so he’s going to take me off the antibiotics for the moment and put me on steroids for both eyes because I have some white spots and inflammation in both eyes. And I have to go back tomorrow for a follow up visit. It sucks having to go to doctors and get prescriptions filled and stuff when you have to depend on other people getting you places. When I was at Psi Psi it wasn’t so bad because there was almost always someone free to take me and if not then they had no problem letting me use one of their cars. Today I had to have the advisor take me to my appointment because all 22 girls had class and I don’t know how I’m going to get my prescription filled or get to my appointment tomorrow.
I did meet with the treasurer today and she was a sweetheart! I had a lot of fun with her and I’ve decided that I’m going to be hopefuly and excited about the rest of the week too. I’m also excited because I should finally be getting my camera back from Nicole’s dad this week so I can post picture of the car wreck! I miss Hannah and John.

Making friends with alligators

Sunday, September 07, 2008
12:30 pm
I am sitting in the Dallas airport waiting for my flight to Tulsa and, of course, I have no internet access. I could have if I had an Ethernet cable, but I don’t. Maybe I should get one. Before I talk about how lovely my visit to Psi Psi was, I am going to write a real blog. For me, what constitutes as a real blog is one that actually gives people more insight into who I am, not just what I’m doing at the moment. I haven’t really written one in a while and I have so much going on in my head that I fear I might explode. I still might have to go write a private blog on MySpace so I can get all my thoughts out without having to share them with everyone. It’s not that I want to keep all these thoughts to myself; instead I just need time to process and sort. With all that I’ve got going on in my head, it might take a while to process and sort before I’m ready to share. Maybe all my processing and sorting will make me realized that I don’t even need to share. Maybe these are things that shouldn’t really be shared anyway.

Making new friends is really interesting. It usually takes me a while to make new friends because I don’t easily open up to people or let them in. I like to take my time deciding about them to be sure that they’re really worth my time. That last sentence sounded kind of arrogant but it wasn’t meant to be. When I make the decision to become friends with someone I’m kind of in it for the long haul. And when I talk about friends here, I mean real friends. Not acquaintances. Those are people that you hang out with because it’s convenient; people who you’re friends with really only because you have someone else or some organization in common. Those aren’t real friends. And I don’t mean just filler friends. Those are friends that really are yours, but they’re not really real. Those are the people that you hang out with, do fun things with but you make no real commitment to. You easily loose touch with these people if one of you moves away, if things become difficult or if there’s a slight change in your schedule. Those are the people who fill your time but not your heart. I don’t think that there’s anything wrong with either type of friend that I’ve mentioned here. Everyone has at least one of each, I’m sure. I know I do. It’s just a part of life. People come and go in your life and not everyone is meant to stay. Some people have no problem transitioning a friend from the role of filler friend to the role of real friend. I do. I don’t like to open up to people. I don’t like to be vulnerable. When I have a filler friend, it really takes me quite a bit of time before they become a real friend. Hannah is a good example of this. First, we were acquaintances because of ASA and then because of Becca. Then, gradually over the course of a couple of months, we became filler friends. We started this friendship voyage in January and I didn’t make the decision to let her become a real friend until August.

There are a lot of people in my life who believe themselves to be real friends but they’re really just fillers. And that is not meant an insult to them! Like I said earlier, when I make the decision to become friends with someone I’m kind of in it for the long haul. It’s because of this that I’m picky with the people I’m friends with and I limit how many there are (maybe everyone is really like this, I don’t know). I have a hard time cutting ties from people. Because I only have a few real friends I end up investing a lot in them and who likes losing an investment? Even once I realize that this isn’t a good investment it’s still hard for me. I’m already invested and I do everything in my power to save it from becoming lost. Because of this, I have often ended up being hurt. There are times when I realize that it’s in my best interest to throw in the towel and quit while I’m ahead but I still have a hard time doing it. I can recognize that this person is no longer good for me and that the only thing I’m really gaining by keeping them in my life is pain, but I’m so damn hopeful that something will change and things can be saved that I just keep holing on.

I’m not speaking of any particular friendship gone sour but merely reflecting. I’ve made a new friend and we’ve become rather close rather quickly and it has caused me to need to step back and evaluate myself. In doing so not only have I realized that befriending someone is quite the process for me but I’ve also realized that I’m a fixer. Or a saver really. I try and save people. Once I do become close with someone I want them to know that they’re important to me. I feel that people should always know that they’re worth something to someone and if someone means something to you then you should tell them so. So I do. Nice of me, huh? Where it gets tricky is when this person has been damaged. When I’m friends with someone who has been hurt (no matter who it was that hurt them; a friend, a family member, a lover) I seem to make it my personal mission to never do any further damage to them or cause them any pain, even if this results in causing myself pain. I invest so much of myself in this person and trying to keep them from feeling any more pain that my vision gets clouded and I can no longer see things for what they really are. I also try and do whatever is in my power to save them from the pain they’ve already endured. Maybe it’s because I’ve been hurt so much and haven’t really had someone try and save me that I feel it’s my personal mission to try and save as many people as possible. Maybe no one is ever going to try and save me because no one can. Maybe I’m the only person who doesn’t realize that you can’t really save someone else, at least not the way that I’m trying to save people and not the way that I want to be saved.


1:30 pm
My visit to Psi Psi was great! I didn’t know what to expect when I got here, but I certainly didn’t expect to be welcomed the way that I was and I didn’t expect to really form a friendship with anyone, especially since it usually takes me months to make a friend. As most people would be, I am happy that these ladies exceeded my expectations! They’re also a much better chapter than I thought they would be. I have a lot of faith in them and I can’t wait to go back in a month and see all that they’ve done while I was gone. I also can’t wait because I really like these ladies and I know I’m really going to enjoy my visit.

Krystal, Cassie and Whitney are the girls that I spent most of my time with. I think I mentioned in my last blog that I started staying with some girls from the chapter instead of the chapter advisor. It’s Cassie, Krystal and Diane that live together. Diane left to go home half way through my second week there to help her family recover from the hurricane, so she wasn’t really around much but Miss Whitney was. I had so much fun hanging out with these women. Yesterday we went to the alligator park (rest assured, I have pictures!), but other than that we didn’t really do anything majorly exciting. We did a lot of sitting around and a lot of eating (these are clearly my kind of girls). We browsed Goodwill, hung out at the pet shop, played with the puppy, watched scary movies, rescued guinea pigs, ate tons of ice cream, stayed up late talking, etc. Nothing earth shatteringly exciting but it was just what I wanted and needed. Krystal, my “new best best friend”, and I also formed an “unhealthy obsession” with each other as Cassie and Brittni would put it. Haha. Meeting all of these women, she’s the one I would have guessed that I’d have the least in common with but ended up being the one I connected with the most. We have a lot of weird, random things in common and share a lot of the same thoughts about things. I love unexpected things and I think it’s really fun that she and I get on like a house on fire (that phrase was listed as a synonym for relate to each other, lol. I had to use it). We really did get kinda close this week. She and I stayed up late talking every night this week and talked about some pretty personal things. This was really hard for me at first because I’m so hesitant to let people get close to me. I’m really glad that I did though; I learned a lot about her which made me realize a lot of things about myself. She was also helpful when I was dealing with an issue that I really didn’t want to deal with.

I was really sad to leave this morning. Krystal and Cassie drove me to the air port and waited with me until it was time to board the plane; they’re such darlings. Earlier this week we were all hoping that my flight would be cancelled because of the hurricane. No such luck. The girls all tell me that I should do grad school at NSU next year. We’ll have to see about that. I know that I don’t really want to do grad school in Texas so I guess that could be an option. First I need to figure out what I really want to do with my life. That’s a whole other blog completely.

I can’t decide if I’m glad that Psi Psi was my first visit or not. I’m really glad that I had such a great time and that I get along with the girls there so well but now it’s got me worried about my next visits. Surely since this one was so good then the others are bound to disappoint me. I hope that’s not the case. Really, I’m sure that I’ll get along with the girls at Rogers State just fine. I may not become as close with them as I did these women, but that’s quite alright. I just hope they’re nice to me and remember to feed me! :) I’m looking forward to going to other chapters and learning new things so I can come back and teach these women what I’ve learned. And I can’t wait to compare all my experiences with other schools that I’ve been too and with Schreiner.

Oh, Krystal also wanted me to mention funeral processions and ladybug pillows in my blog. I have seen a few funeral processions in my life (really only like 2), but it wasn’t until I was in the car with her the other day that I learned that it’s respectful to stop as they drive by (kind of like you do for a cop). She was amazed that I didn’t know this and felt that it was of the utmost importance for me to mention in here as part of my Psi Psi experience. And the ladybug pillow. Krystal was gracious enough to let me sleep in her bed with her this past week but homegirl only has one pillow. This meant that I was lucky enough to get to sleep with her ladybug throw pillow. It was quite the experience; I had legs and antennae poking me all night long. It wasn’t until I’d been enduring this for a few days that she informed me that she had an extra pillow case that I could put over this ladybug and protect myself. Thanks Krystal.





Me by the tourist sign at the enterance of the Alligator Park

They were big and scary.

This is a tree that fell thanks to hurricane Gustav

Alligators fighting over chicken

It was awesome getting to wach them eat.

Me holding an alligator! Whitney on my left, Cassie on the right.


Krystal holding an alligator.