Second, let me say that I'm in a bad mood so this isn't going to be an upbeat blog. I really do love this job, but I'm really irritated with it at the moment. Do you know how much is sucks to not be around anyone that you care about? It fucking sucks. At first it wasn't so bad but now it's really starting to get to me. I have contact with my friends but that's only through email, talking on the phone and texting. So I'm finding myself holed up in my room more and more talking to people and spending less and less time with the girls that I'm visit. How horribly snobby of me. Ugh. I miss spending time with friends. I miss having the opportunity to be social. It's great that I have my phone and am able to talk to my friends, but sometimes talking to people just makes me feel even more lonely. More and more when I get off the phone with someone I'm just bummed that they get off the phone with me and can go interact with more people and got about their lives and have fun. I still get to have fun, but it's not the same. I don't regret taking this job at all, but right now I'm just really ready for my vacation. That's still 3 feel weeks away. That doesn't sound like that long, but it is. There is a ray of sunshine poking through this horribly effing cloudy sky though. My last visit before my vacation is to Psi Psi and I'm really looking forward to that! I miss those girls. And my visit before that one is in Arkansas and Krystal is going to drive up and stay with me there and then we're going to drive back to LA together. That should be a lot of fun. So I really just have 2 more weeks of loneliness and then it's going to get better and better as it goes. Then there's only a month between my vacation and when I come home for Thanksgiving. Thank God for that. I really want to take a trip to just get away. I know that doesn't make sense since I have been talking about how I just want to get back to my friends and family. But I still feel like I really need to get away and escape. Krystal and I talked about getting away in December. I wonder if we'll really do it though.
Ya know what else doesn't help this loneliness? The girls at this chapter. I am so tired of being referred to as "the LC" and I'm tired of being forgotten about. Yesterday we had an hour break in the middle of recruitment (and recruitment is a whole nother story in itself) and we planned on going to eat. I mentioned pizza and everyone agreed that was a great idea. I was in a dress though and wanted to change. So once the last recruitment party was over I said "let me run up and change." I was up there maybe 3 minutes. I came back down and they we all gone. Every last one of them. They fucking forgot about me and left me home. I felt like such a loser. Then they did the same thing today! I was upstairs putting in info about the potential new members in the computer for them and they brought me up the voting cards and went back down stairs. I went down a couple of minutes later and they were all gone. None of them bothered to ask me if I wanted to go eat with them, they just left me there. What the fuck?!?! How can you just leave me upstairs working on this shit when really what I was doing isn't even part of my job. I was doing it at a favor to them! Ugh. Whatever. They did come up to help later on and that was nice. We had a good time and a couple of the girls told me how great they thought I was, that they wanted to keep me all year and that they were glad I was so fun. That's nice, but I wish they'd fucking feed me too. I've lost 5 pounds since I left Psi Psi. I guess that's a good thing though.
So recruitment at a big school like this is effing stressful. There are 11 sororities and 364 women that went through recruitment. Anyone who has helped with a formal recruitment (especially membership selection) should understand what a BITCH that is and how much is sucks. It's stressing me out like you would not believe. I wouldn't mind if I was an active in the chapter and having to meet these women. What sucks is having to sort through all the scored for them and put together some kind of system for eliminating them. It effing sucks. A lot. But! I'm hoping that it'll be worth it in the end and these women will get some great new members and be on their way to becoming a great chapter again. Speaking of great chapters, Psi Psi picked up 9 lovely new ladies this past week and I am so proud of them!!
I'm listening to Paramore right now and it's fucking pissing me off. I love this band but every time I listen to it it reminds me of Reid. How shitty is that? This is one of my favorite bands and every time I listen I think of him. I don't want to think about him. I just want to fucking forget about him. I don't understand why I can't. When I listen to Paramore it reminds me of driving to his house (or home from it). It reminds me of the butterflies I would get walking up to the door, of the smile that was plastered to my face when I would leave his house, of all the good that there was between us. All the good that my friends never saw or understood. He made me feel so amazing about myself. He made me feel unique, and special. I'm not fucking unique or special. I'm just someone to fill space. Fuck that. I hate people like him. I hate that I liked him. I hate that he made me happy. I hate that he was hurt me. I hate that I LET him hurt me. I should have figured he'd hurt me. Why did I think that he was going to be any different? I just wish someone could have seen all of the good that there was so I didn't feel like I was imagining it. I know I wasn't. Ugh. If I could just tell you some of the things that were so amazing. But why the hell do I care? Why do I feel the need to prove that it was real? Why the hell do I still think about him. I hate that when I think of him I still wish things had ended differently with us, even though I know he's horrible for me and not the kind of person I need in my life. I still wish... Damn it. I don't understand why I liked him so much. I still like that I kicked him out of my apartment when he was naked. That makes me smile when I think about it.
Paramore also reminds me of Hannah. That's a good thing though. It reminds me of her because she's the one who introduced me to them. It makes me sad that it reminds me of her though because I miss her so effing much. I just need a good uninterrupted week of Hannah time. Seriously.
I guess I might be done with this blog for now. I've calmed down some, which is good. I was pretty upset when I started writing it. I still have a lot on my mind though. That kind of pisses me off too. I took this job thinking that I was leaving my life behind and getting away from the stresses of my personal life for a while. I should not be stressing about things outside of my job at the moment. But alas, I am Chasity, so I am. I don't understand it. It boggles me little mind.
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