Mr. Cellophane, should have been my name.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

So I’ve got about a million different things on my mind at the moment. Well, maybe not a million different things, but the things I do have on my mind are taking up so much room that I might as well be thinking about a million different things because I have no room for anything else. It wouldn’t be so bad thinking about all of these things if I felt like I could talk to someone about them. Well, I suppose I can talk to someone about them, but it’s so much easier to talk to people about things when you know what the outcome is going to be. Talking without knowing the outcomes makes me vulnerable, and we all know that I’m not a big fan of that.

 I leave for Michigan in the morning. My stay at Rogers State wasn’t too bad. Nothing horrible, nothing great. I didn’t get to go salsa dancing, to the zoo or to a play. I didn’t have money for the play, no one ever brought up the zoo again and Paula wasn’t feeling well enough for dancing. I did get to hang out with Hope (the VP of PR and Recruitment) and Paula and play Scattergories last night. That was a lot of fun. I was surprised to find that the main brunt of my problems this week didn’t come from the school I was visiting at the moment, but from the school I just left. Hurricane Gustav was responsible for their campus changing the dates of formal recruitment once and now hurricane Ike is responsible for them having to change the dates yet again, and this time it’s really going to suck for my ladies there. I am sure that it’ll all work out in the end and I have complete faith in them that they’ll be able to pull it all off and be great, but for now it really sucks. I wish I was there to help them!

 Sunday, September 14, 2008

So, originally the whole point of me starting this blog was to keep up with what’s going on with me being an LC, I guess to document it all so I can look back on it in the future. In the past the point of my blogs was just to get everything off my chest and out of my head. Lately, I haven’t felt like I have a lot to say about my LCness in my blogs and today I was sitting in the airport, bored, and I went back and read through several of my old blogs from myspace. I really enjoyed reading those and comparing where I used to be to where I am now. So I’ve decided that this is not just (or primarily) an LC blog anymore. I realize that I’ve already been sharing my non-LC thoughts in this blog, but not to the extent that I would like to be. My plan was to blog about my LC experiences and get them bound into a little book. Now I’ve decided that I’m just going to keep blogging and every year get them bound into a little book, this way I’ll have these little journals about my life starting in college and going through… whenever I stop I guess and I can look back on them years from now. I think it’s going to be great!

 I have a ton of things that I want to write about and it’s probably going to take me several blogs to write about it all. First I’m going to start with the LC business. I left Rogers State this morning and now I’m at Delta Nu-A in Michigan and I LOVE IT HERE!!! At first I though that Psi Psi was just a fluke and that I wasn’t going to have another experience like that while on the road. I am happy to report that I think (at this point) that I was wrong. The girl that picked me up was really nice but I was still unsure of it all. When I first got to the house (which is effing adorable! I’ll put up pictures tomorrow!) I was really nervous. I’m sharing a room with Brittany and when the president took me to my room she was taking a nap. I felt horrible for waking her up and really awkward and out of place. I hate feeling out of place. I’m not one of those people who can just make myself comfortable in any situation, but! I am working on. As soon as I got here I had to change clothes and go straight into meetings. I really enjoyed these meetings. There’s only 15 girls in the chapter but it was the most smoothly run meeting that I’ve ever experienced. They do some things really differently, but not a bad different, so it’s ok. After all the meetings were over, I got a tour of the house and these girls are fantastically nice to me. My roommate just bought some new magazines and gave them to me to read (too bad I don’t read Vogue or Cosmo), and then gave me the password to her computer so I can get on anytime I want to, she is taking me to yoga later this week and just now she just came and sat next to me and we talked for like 20 minutes. They already took me out to get some food, told me to help myself in the kitchen, etc. They have just done a really fantastic job of making me feel at home and I’ve only been here a few hours. That’s one of the things that I liked so much about Psi Psi; I was just really comfortable with the girls and felt right at home. I’m really looking forward to meeting with these ladies and I’m disappointed that I’m only going to be here until Wednesday. I am loving staying in a house and really wish we would have had a chapter house! This is awesome!

 The girls here are all REALLY smart. This is primarily an engineering school and tonight after meeting they were all talking about their grades and comparing who has the highest. Normally that would annoy the crap out of me, but none of them were doing it to show off, it was just casual conversation for them. Brittany was telling me that she’s a mechanical engineer with a minor in bioengineering and also biochemistry so she can apply to med school. She’s a super sweet girl and I like her a lot, but talking to her made me feel kind of dumb and boring. And it made me feel bad about what I want to do with my life. I felt completely not good enough and ridiculous. That made me sad. But other than that, I like it a lot here and am so glad to be here instead of Rogers State. It was really nice having my own space there (which I forgot to take pictures of) but it got lonely just hanging out in the apartment by myself all the time. Luckily Miss Hannah and Miss Krystal were just a phone call/text message away and kept me sane. Hope was a complete sweetheart to me and felt super bad that we didn’t hang out more and promised to hang out with me everyday during my next visit. That was nice.

 When I was on the plane this afternoon I was feeling really nervous about coming to this chapter and staying in a chapter house for the first time. I was also starting to doubt my abilities as an LC. I know that I’m a good LC in a lot of areas, but I worry that I’m not doing a good enough job. I feel like surely there’s something that I’m supposed to be doing that I’m not. And I just keep waiting for some chapter to make me feel completely inadequate. Hopefully that doesn’t happen.

 Ugh, I have so much that I want to talk about in this blog, I don’t really know where to go next with it. Yesterday I spent pretty much the whole day by myself. I did have breakfast with the colony advisor and that was enjoyable, but from noon until I went to bed at 2 am I was alone. While I was spending quality time by myself I decided that I was going to watch the ASA slideshow that Samantha put together last semester. Bad idea. I got about 6 minutes in to it before I started crying. I am really happy with my life at the moment and I absolutely love my job, but I do miss Schreiner. I don’t miss the drama, but there is still so much that I do miss. Seeing some of the pictures from the spring retreat where we all bawled our eyes out and pictures from the sleep over, and shack a thon, and making cupcakes with the new girls at my apartment, and just a million other things that were on there. I miss the chapter SO much. I want to come back and visit. I’m afraid that no one wants me to come back and visit (besides the obvious people) and that the chapter doesn’t really care about me anymore. That makes me super sad. That’s not why I was sad yesterday though. Yesterday I was just missing everyone a lot and so I called Hannah and she distracted me for a couple of hours. I’m really happy with this job, but I am starting to get a little home sick. I wish my family called me more. Sandy only ever calls when she has an agenda for the phone call. I called just to chat the other day because I missed them and it still turned into us scheduling another time to talk because she had things to tell me and didn’t feel like talking about it at the moment. Not very comforting. Maybe I shouldn’t expect more though.

 After talking to Brittany and feeling a bit stupid (and boring!), it really got me thinking all kinds of thoughts that I should not be thinking. I am so tired of dating. I know that sounds silly for me to say since it’s been a while since I’ve dated anyone, but I really am. I am tired of feeling worthless and like I’m not good enough. I am tired of constantly trying to change who I am to suit other people. I’m tired of trying to figure out what other people want me to be. I am ready to just be me. At this point I’ve tried to change so many things about myself to fit the expectations of others that I don’t even know who I am anymore. I’m not 100 percent sure what I like or what I want. I am so confused and just so lost. I want there to be a big sign pointing me in the right direction, telling me what to do. I want these damn boys to stop fucking with me. I want to be able to talk to someone without feeling stupid for opening up and sharing. I want someone to actually listen to what I have to say, to try and dig a little deeper to figure out what’s really going on with me rather than just taking what’s at the surface and dismissing the idea that there could be anything else. I want people to stop taking and pretending that they’re willing to give in return and not delivering when I need them to. I want to stop feeling this way and stop expecting so much from other people. I want to stop caring about other people more than they care about me.