My thoughts and dreams: Making friends with alligators

Sunday, September 07, 2008
12:30 pm
I am sitting in the Dallas airport waiting for my flight to Tulsa and, of course, I have no internet access. I could have if I had an Ethernet cable, but I don’t. Maybe I should get one. Before I talk about how lovely my visit to Psi Psi was, I am going to write a real blog. For me, what constitutes as a real blog is one that actually gives people more insight into who I am, not just what I’m doing at the moment. I haven’t really written one in a while and I have so much going on in my head that I fear I might explode. I still might have to go write a private blog on MySpace so I can get all my thoughts out without having to share them with everyone. It’s not that I want to keep all these thoughts to myself; instead I just need time to process and sort. With all that I’ve got going on in my head, it might take a while to process and sort before I’m ready to share. Maybe all my processing and sorting will make me realized that I don’t even need to share. Maybe these are things that shouldn’t really be shared anyway.

Making new friends is really interesting. It usually takes me a while to make new friends because I don’t easily open up to people or let them in. I like to take my time deciding about them to be sure that they’re really worth my time. That last sentence sounded kind of arrogant but it wasn’t meant to be. When I make the decision to become friends with someone I’m kind of in it for the long haul. And when I talk about friends here, I mean real friends. Not acquaintances. Those are people that you hang out with because it’s convenient; people who you’re friends with really only because you have someone else or some organization in common. Those aren’t real friends. And I don’t mean just filler friends. Those are friends that really are yours, but they’re not really real. Those are the people that you hang out with, do fun things with but you make no real commitment to. You easily loose touch with these people if one of you moves away, if things become difficult or if there’s a slight change in your schedule. Those are the people who fill your time but not your heart. I don’t think that there’s anything wrong with either type of friend that I’ve mentioned here. Everyone has at least one of each, I’m sure. I know I do. It’s just a part of life. People come and go in your life and not everyone is meant to stay. Some people have no problem transitioning a friend from the role of filler friend to the role of real friend. I do. I don’t like to open up to people. I don’t like to be vulnerable. When I have a filler friend, it really takes me quite a bit of time before they become a real friend. Hannah is a good example of this. First, we were acquaintances because of ASA and then because of Becca. Then, gradually over the course of a couple of months, we became filler friends. We started this friendship voyage in January and I didn’t make the decision to let her become a real friend until August.

There are a lot of people in my life who believe themselves to be real friends but they’re really just fillers. And that is not meant an insult to them! Like I said earlier, when I make the decision to become friends with someone I’m kind of in it for the long haul. It’s because of this that I’m picky with the people I’m friends with and I limit how many there are (maybe everyone is really like this, I don’t know). I have a hard time cutting ties from people. Because I only have a few real friends I end up investing a lot in them and who likes losing an investment? Even once I realize that this isn’t a good investment it’s still hard for me. I’m already invested and I do everything in my power to save it from becoming lost. Because of this, I have often ended up being hurt. There are times when I realize that it’s in my best interest to throw in the towel and quit while I’m ahead but I still have a hard time doing it. I can recognize that this person is no longer good for me and that the only thing I’m really gaining by keeping them in my life is pain, but I’m so damn hopeful that something will change and things can be saved that I just keep holing on.

I’m not speaking of any particular friendship gone sour but merely reflecting. I’ve made a new friend and we’ve become rather close rather quickly and it has caused me to need to step back and evaluate myself. In doing so not only have I realized that befriending someone is quite the process for me but I’ve also realized that I’m a fixer. Or a saver really. I try and save people. Once I do become close with someone I want them to know that they’re important to me. I feel that people should always know that they’re worth something to someone and if someone means something to you then you should tell them so. So I do. Nice of me, huh? Where it gets tricky is when this person has been damaged. When I’m friends with someone who has been hurt (no matter who it was that hurt them; a friend, a family member, a lover) I seem to make it my personal mission to never do any further damage to them or cause them any pain, even if this results in causing myself pain. I invest so much of myself in this person and trying to keep them from feeling any more pain that my vision gets clouded and I can no longer see things for what they really are. I also try and do whatever is in my power to save them from the pain they’ve already endured. Maybe it’s because I’ve been hurt so much and haven’t really had someone try and save me that I feel it’s my personal mission to try and save as many people as possible. Maybe no one is ever going to try and save me because no one can. Maybe I’m the only person who doesn’t realize that you can’t really save someone else, at least not the way that I’m trying to save people and not the way that I want to be saved.

1:30 pm
My visit to Psi Psi was great! I didn’t know what to expect when I got here, but I certainly didn’t expect to be welcomed the way that I was and I didn’t expect to really form a friendship with anyone, especially since it usually takes me months to make a friend. As most people would be, I am happy that these ladies exceeded my expectations! They’re also a much better chapter than I thought they would be. I have a lot of faith in them and I can’t wait to go back in a month and see all that they’ve done while I was gone. I also can’t wait because I really like these ladies and I know I’m really going to enjoy my visit.

Krystal, Cassie and Whitney are the girls that I spent most of my time with. I think I mentioned in my last blog that I started staying with some girls from the chapter instead of the chapter advisor. It’s Cassie, Krystal and Diane that live together. Diane left to go home half way through my second week there to help her family recover from the hurricane, so she wasn’t really around much but Miss Whitney was. I had so much fun hanging out with these women. Yesterday we went to the alligator park (rest assured, I have pictures!), but other than that we didn’t really do anything majorly exciting. We did a lot of sitting around and a lot of eating (these are clearly my kind of girls). We browsed Goodwill, hung out at the pet shop, played with the puppy, watched scary movies, rescued guinea pigs, ate tons of ice cream, stayed up late talking, etc. Nothing earth shatteringly exciting but it was just what I wanted and needed. Krystal, my “new best best friend”, and I also formed an “unhealthy obsession” with each other as Cassie and Brittni would put it. Haha. Meeting all of these women, she’s the one I would have guessed that I’d have the least in common with but ended up being the one I connected with the most. We have a lot of weird, random things in common and share a lot of the same thoughts about things. I love unexpected things and I think it’s really fun that she and I get on like a house on fire (that phrase was listed as a synonym for relate to each other, lol. I had to use it). We really did get kinda close this week. She and I stayed up late talking every night this week and talked about some pretty personal things. This was really hard for me at first because I’m so hesitant to let people get close to me. I’m really glad that I did though; I learned a lot about her which made me realize a lot of things about myself. She was also helpful when I was dealing with an issue that I really didn’t want to deal with.

I was really sad to leave this morning. Krystal and Cassie drove me to the air port and waited with me until it was time to board the plane; they’re such darlings. Earlier this week we were all hoping that my flight would be cancelled because of the hurricane. No such luck. The girls all tell me that I should do grad school at NSU next year. We’ll have to see about that. I know that I don’t really want to do grad school in Texas so I guess that could be an option. First I need to figure out what I really want to do with my life. That’s a whole other blog completely.

I can’t decide if I’m glad that Psi Psi was my first visit or not. I’m really glad that I had such a great time and that I get along with the girls there so well but now it’s got me worried about my next visits. Surely since this one was so good then the others are bound to disappoint me. I hope that’s not the case. Really, I’m sure that I’ll get along with the girls at Rogers State just fine. I may not become as close with them as I did these women, but that’s quite alright. I just hope they’re nice to me and remember to feed me! :) I’m looking forward to going to other chapters and learning new things so I can come back and teach these women what I’ve learned. And I can’t wait to compare all my experiences with other schools that I’ve been too and with Schreiner.

Oh, Krystal also wanted me to mention funeral processions and ladybug pillows in my blog. I have seen a few funeral processions in my life (really only like 2), but it wasn’t until I was in the car with her the other day that I learned that it’s respectful to stop as they drive by (kind of like you do for a cop). She was amazed that I didn’t know this and felt that it was of the utmost importance for me to mention in here as part of my Psi Psi experience. And the ladybug pillow. Krystal was gracious enough to let me sleep in her bed with her this past week but homegirl only has one pillow. This meant that I was lucky enough to get to sleep with her ladybug throw pillow. It was quite the experience; I had legs and antennae poking me all night long. It wasn’t until I’d been enduring this for a few days that she informed me that she had an extra pillow case that I could put over this ladybug and protect myself. Thanks Krystal.