What I wanted to tell her was how mad I am at her for not coming to my graduation. I wanted to tell her that I think it was selfish of her and that I was stupid enough to think that things really might be different after we saw each other in January. I wanted to tell her that I wish she would put forth half of the effort to be a part of my life that she puts forth for her step-daughter. I wanted to tell her that I'm still mad at her for all of the things that she did when I was a kid. I wanted to tell her that I want to forgive her and move forward, but that it's going to to take effort on her part too. I wanted to tell her that she has no right to be mad at me for not getting her a mothers day card when I feel like she's done nothing in the last 11 years to deserve one. I wanted to tell her that I love her and I miss her and I wish... I guess I wish a million different things, and none of them make any difference at all. I didn't tell her any of the things that I wanted to. I think maybe I'll see if and how she responds to this letter and then go from there. This woman stresses me out and I want to just shake her!
I'm starting to stress a bit about what I'm going to do with the rest of my life. I know I talk about this in a blog every couple of months and it's always different, but it makes me feel better to write down all of my options, see what they are and then decide that I don't actually want to do any of them. Over this summer I was really enjoying working for Headquarters and was seriously considering doing that with my life (for a few years anyway). That's still not something that I would be opposed to doing. I'd love to have Ambers job and in be in charge of recruitment and expansion. Now that I'm on the road traveling I'm seriously considering being a Greek advisor for a campus. I think that would be ridiculously fun and I think it's something that I'd really be good at. To do either of these things I would first have to get my masters. I'm starting to freak out about this a bit. I need to take the GRE sometime soon and start applying to schools so that I can start somewhere in the fall. The problem with that is I have no idea where I want to go to school. I guess I could do what most normal people do and apply to several different schools and wait until the last minute to decide which I want to go to and hope that my mind is more made up by then. What if the schools I want to go to don't accept me? Ugh. I wish I was as dedicated to my school work in college as the girls at this chapter are. They are so effing smart and spend so much time studying that it makes me head spin.
I know that if I was to choose either of these options for my life I would be happy and good at them both. But then there's my love of kids... I'm sure that being a mom at some point will fulfill my desire to work with kids and make a difference in their lives. I hope anyway. But then there's my loans! If I get my teaching certificate and teach at a crappy school in Texas for a couple of years then the state will pay back some (hopefully all!) of my loans for me. I'd be ok with that, but I worry if I do that then I won't still have to motivation to go to grad school and get my masters. I really want my masters. I'm also no sure if I want to get it in student affairs or psychology... Damn. I feel like I just keep going over all of this in my head, in my blogs, on the phone with people and I still don't know what I want to do. I guess I know what I should do and it's just not what I want to do at the moment. I want to go ahead and go to grad school so I can start working in a job that I really enjoy. I don't want to put if off. But I'm pretty sure that I'd enjoy teaching as well. I sure do love them little kiddos. Ah, oh well. I still have a couple of more months to procrastinate making a decision about it.
I really like the chapter that I'm at right now. It's been a bit of an adjustment because they start school in July, are in session for 11 weeks, then have 11 weeks off from Oct through Dec to work in a job related to their field, then come back for another 11 weeks of school In Jan through March and have another 11 weeks off. Because of their weird school schedule, they have to do things a little bit differently than other chapters do and so I'm having to bend rules here and make adjustments there. It think it's fun though and these ladies are fantastic! I'm really enjoying staying in the house with them and they're really making sure that I feel at home here! I talked to the president of the colony that I just left and things are a bit crazy there. They're having a huge argument involving all of their members and what kind of shoes are appropriate for initiation. I told them what is ok and they don't believe me because the LC that they had last year told them something different and they really liked her. The president believes me, but she can't get the other girls to. That's a bit frustrating. I'm also nervous about the chapter that I'm about to go to. I'm supposed to be helping them with formal recruitment and I'm not really sure what my role is supposed to be in that. I guess I'm going to call Nicole later tonight and talk to her about that since she was in the same position last week.
The range of emotions that I've been experiencing lately has been rather intense for me. Sunday night was a really rough night for me (that's when I was writing the end of my last blog) and I was so upset/irritated/angry/sad/insecure/frustrated/tired that I could barely see straight. I was mad at everyone for not knowing what I was going through and not understanding me. That really interesting thing about that is I don't know how I expected anyone to know or understand since I hadn't talked to anyone and no one knew that I was feeling that way. I was still in a fairly foul mood Monday morning and though part of the day. Last night I wrote myself a nice private blog on myspace and sent my darling John and email and doing that made me feel a lot better. I was in a fantastic mood when I went to bed, woke up super happy and cheerful and have been like that pretty much all day. I did have my moments of stress, but even through the stress I still felt happy which was really nice. Part of my good mood last night could have been because the ladies from Psi Psi had their first night of recruitment last night and it went extremely well and Krystal and Whitney both called to tell me about it. I am so proud of these women and hearing them tell me all about it last night and how excited they are, I could not stop smiling! It was fantastic. I can't wait to go back and see them all!
I really miss my family. I miss Mike and Sandy a lot but I also miss my nephews. I was thinking about Jake the other day and I'm just really sad that I don't get to see him more. I'm afraid that he's not going to remember me when I come home to visit in a couple weeks and when I'm home over Christmas. I miss his cute little crooked smile and he adorable little laugh. I also feel kind of guilty because I'm super excited about seeing him and not as excited about seeing Ryan (his brother). I feel like people always like the baby in the family more than the older kid but I love Jake so much that I can't possibly fathom the idea of not devoting all of my attention to him and having to split it with his little bother. Surely when I see them both I'm going to love Ryan just as much. I also miss my Grandpa a lot. That's kind of weird for me. Of them, I've always spend more time with my Grandma, but my Grandpa and I really get along pretty well (unless he talks shit about me behind my back, which isn't uncommon in my family). I just think about him a lot and I wonder how he's handling living without my Grandma now. I'd like to think that he loved her so much that he's really difficult for him now, in which case I feel really bad for him and just want to hug him. I worry though that it's not difficult for him. That thought makes me sad too, but in a different way.
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